Learning to feel safe again

At the end of 2021, Victorians emerged from under the veil of the longest pandemic locked down stated based communities around the planet.

Media revved up a frenzy that we were finally free. The third booster had been released. The government were forced to relinquish the restrictions due to the immense pressure of Victorians saying “no more”.

In 2022, we tentatively entered a new year, which promised so much — what happened could never have been predicted.

An entire society was exhausted, battle weary and extraordinarily untrusting. People quietly uttered words of anger and frustration for missing so many life experiences during the pandemic.

I say quietly because frankly anything spoken out on social media got you shadow-banned and labelled a domestic terrorist. That sounds like I’m blowing that out of proportion, I know.

My business social media pages were repeatedly shadow banned for having the message “just do you” — a mental health message for people to take care of themselves.

I landed in the social sin bin on multiple occasions, with more than 300 posts being auto-deleted during the pandemic thanks to the Fact Checker — thanks to the Victorian Government’s mandated message “We’re all in this together”.

Creating a perception that we had fought a virus for two years, with snap lockdowns or restrictions, and threats to jobs, families and sanity, left society extraordinarily fatigued at the end of 2021.

In an effort to redeem political favour, tourism vouchers and benefits for industries were created — the economy was showing significant signs of collapse as the government of the day continued to sell state-owned assets.

At the same time, the housing market price exploded as Victorians fled out of the metropolitan areas and hundreds of thousands fled the state — half a million migrated north to Queensland!

The rental market availability ceased, as flood and fire refugees still wait to be rehoused. And people continue to feel resentful that their job security was threatened by forced participation in a gene therapy trial. (Note COVID vaccination wasn’t officially declared a vaccination by TGA until 2023).

Does this paint an accurate picture for you?

We haven’t fought in trenches.

There were guns at protest rallies, and citizens were shot with rubber bullets.

Armed forces were present at lockdown checkpoints — yes we needed permission to travel.

We did have food restrictions. Yes, we missed so much more than toilet paper on the shelves. We said goodbye to loved ones in nursing homes and hospitals from the car park as those people died.

Socialising ceased. And a deep-seated fear campaign continued to be pushed down our throats until we almost went mad. Yes, we were battle-weary and incredibly cautious last year. Our hope had almost been extinguished.

And then 2023 arrived, and we’re tired of being told what we can’t do. Many are voicing opposition. Many are angry. Many want a normal that may never return.

What I observe clinically is this — regardless of your view of the pandemic and injectables program, just reflect on the fear-based global campaign.

Where were the well-being and proactive health messages?

We collectively experienced PTSD across an entire community.

Children refused to attend school because they didn’t feel safe after having started their education at home with mum and dad.

Communication mechanisms stalled in children due to forced mask-wearing and not learning nonverbal cues or facial recognition.

Being locked away gave people too much time to sit and think. To dwell. To catastrophize and overthink. People formed very strong opinions and have emerged with post-pandemic behaviour that can only be labelled as entitled.

People were denied …

Individuals have been denied the ability to express themselves clearly without fear of reprimand.

The lockdown denied people the capacity and space to have any meaningful conversation about their thoughts and feelings. The fear campaign eliminated any capacity to publically voice hesitancy let alone objection — people were in fact arrested.

Without venting off the concerns and worries, the fear was simply magnified. This has left people feeling shell-shocked and desperate for a sense of normalcy. Yet they lack the capacity to find it.

Conversation topics became toxic because the same people were saying the same thing and the spoken word became groundhog day. The colour was drained from the dialogue.

All people did was vent out frustrations, yet there was no solution.

This created a society that was collectively stuck in fear-based emotions. Some of the emerging personality traits that I see clinically is an overwhelming sense of entitlement to override conversations because they simply need to be heard. This talking over someone then is misperceived by others as the forcing of acceptance of opinion.

No one wins here in this space.

When you stifle someone’s capacity to communicate through face-to-face conversation you lose your active listening skills. You miss nonverbal cues because you’re out of practice.

When you don’t see people you stop making eye contact with others when you talk. Simple eye contact could now make you feel uncomfortable.

“Please” and “thank you” seem to have taken a permanent vacation from public conversation.

When I work clinically my conversations include listening and validating someone’s feelings. Everyone has a story of the impact they personally experienced.

The pandemic forced a singular conversation topic and people now report their outlook on life has crumbled. They tell me they’ve lost their capacity to reframe or remain positive.

Your life doesn’t get better by chance. It gets better with change.

Here are some things you can do to feel safe once more

1. Reconnect with friends and family over a shared meal — pausing to eat allows you to ease into a conversation.
2. Rejoin your group activity or team sport — to be around small groups of people once more
3. Practice meditation to soothe your nervous system
4. Return to shopping inside the supermarket
5. Shop locally and support your neighbours and their business — we love to see you in person

First published with Illumination, a Medium Publication. Click here this piece.

Want to read more like this?

This is My Roar – signed copies of my first published book can be purchased from this website.

Practice The Pause  – click here

5 Ways to Boost Self – click here

Engaging in childlike moments of wonder

When was the last time you paused and watched autumn leaves fall?

Let me tell you about a wonderous moment I had the other day walking down the main drag of town. 

I consider myself a bit of a lucky bitch right now. I have time up my sleeve with COVID. To support my recovery from PTSD I purposefully make more time to observe small things around me. 

As I rise I set my intention for the day — to surrender to ordinary thinking. I often ask the universe to send me small miracles that make me smile and fill my heart with pure joy and demonstrate life outside of the square of normalcy.

You may find it surprising to find that watching autumn leaves fall fits the bill of miracles, but then again I am a bit of a self-confessed weirdo. I’m totally ok with that. Your opinion of me is none of my business! I remain focussed on self, the things I can embrace in my heart space, and practice surrendering to the things I can’t.

Picture this. 

You find yourself walking in the glorious warm sunshine. A small breeze is blowing as you steer your path amongst the heritage-listed English elms, down the Traralgon Avenue of Honour.

These magnificent trees line each side of a wide green belt of the original township’s main road and were planted to commemorate the First World War. Given their size and sheer colour magnificence I can believe that!

At times the light is dappled, as the overhead branches provide cover and shade. The sun is thawing from a recent cold snap, yet the air is still fresh. To someone like me who’s just had chemo and the hairs, on the top of my head, are thin, it’s chilly out. That’s ok, that is why hats were invented, they aren’t just a fashion statement.

Back to my walk.

There are times when spirit whispers to me, like receiving a coded message meant only for me. Other times I feel drawn intuitively to look at something. It is as if a hidden magnet is turning my head and inviting me to share a secret.

I was admiring the green lush grass growing everywhere after recent heavy rain. I saw a bogged truck and felt for the driver who was getting reamed by the site foreman. Oh, the stories these trees could tell of the adventures that have been held at their feet.

And yet as I walked I marvelled at the trees which had red-green leaves patched with oranges and golds as you looked up. I liken natures artwork to that of a renaissance painting that I once saw in the national art gallery. I could have been in any country, and yet I was in my simple home town, admiring the fleeting autumn colours. 

The array of nature’s colour canvas was so inviting that I paused, simply so I could soak in the view. I mean just how often are you gifted the opportunity to stop and stare in wonder? It’s often only when you are travelling that you truly relish what you see.

And just like that, a breeze lifted some of the golden hues from the upper branches and began to swirl. If the leaves hadn’t of moved, I would have presumed I had stepped into the matrix and the movie had been paused.

The uplift of the breeze held the falling leaves almost as if they were in suspension, shimmying around the tree. It was absolutely mesmerising.

I likened it to a scene from Harry Potter whereby the ‘Whomping Willow’ shakes its autumn leaves off as winter snaps it to attention.

This aerial flight of the golden leaves was in slow motion. Their descent was not rushed, and they dispersed like a troup of ballet dancers, each dancing but as a collective. So every single leaf contributed to the overall kaleidoscope of the performance. 

Due to the number of trees, all shedding their golden leaves at the same time, and forming this suspension mid-air, the trunks of the trees appeared to shimmer. It was if they were actually belly dancing, and the leaves formed the outer rim of the headdress. 

I have videoed it in my mind as it was simply spectacular to watch.

Remembering it now I am taken back to my childhood whereby my brother and I would rake up fallen leaves in our backyard and burn them. Our family dog would lay in the piles of leaves, presumably because she had short hair and the piled leaves were warm in the sun.

There were several times my brother would rake up the piles of leaves over her as she mooched and slept. And as she awoke startled there would be a massive pile of movement as she emerged and vaulted upon the nearest squealing human.

I’m pretty sure that dog had a wicked sense of humour for this escapade re-occurred a lot each year during raking!

My fondest memory is that same dog hiding in a pile of raked leaves, with only her small wet nose poking out. Cheeky mutt. My brother had called out to her, and her wagging tail had given her location away as the rusty leaves crinkled with her movement. And hence her sudden emergence from the pile of leaves is where came the story of the snoopy snigger — my brother killing himself laughing and rolling around the raked leaves with the dog.

To this day I’m still not sure who had more fun — my brother or the dog. And again I’m reminded that I didn’t capture it on film, but it is indelibly marked in my memories.

There is something magical watching the living art display evolve as the seasons change from hot scolding sun of summer to cold nights and sunny days of autumn. Then as the ice queen arrives and delivers winds and weather from Antarctica the leaves burn in colour. 

It is much like day time fireworks in slow motion.

I shall return tomorrow with my camera and attempt to capture the miracle of the shimmy shake on film, with leaves captured in suspension mid-air. But if I don’t see the miracle, I need only close my eyes and the vision is right there, indelibly etched in my memory bank as another small miracle I got to witness.

Miracles are everywhere when you surrender to ordinary thinking. I found the day I chose to change was the day I began to bloom.

I have been asked all week what I will be doing for ‘Mother’s day’? And I responded to everyone with the same response, “what I do every day!!!!”

I celebrate how bloody lucky I am!

For me, the special and poignant times have including carrying a pregnancy to almost full term, after having so many failed and miscarried experiences. I was lucky.

It was beautiful giving birth and that first year of breastfeeding with little sleep. I absolutely celebrate that I had a birthing experience, unlike others who are whisked away to theatre for an emergency caesar. It was magical when my girl was placed on my hot sweaty chest for the first time. Nothing compares.

I cherished all those exhausting moments and lost hours of sleep as something I was able to achieve rather than survive. The first steps. The first words. The evolution of my girl walking and then running, away from me squealing with delight, but always returning to my arms. The hugs are always special, and again I feel lucky.

I’m so lucky compared to others who aren’t privileged enough to hold a live baby. My heart goes to those women who are unable to feel life growing inside them. Or worse have felt that movement, and then it stopped and they birthed an endless sleeping baby. Doesn’t make them any less a mumma in my eyes.

It was heartbreaking having to work and send my girl to daycare but this experience enabled me to embrace the concept of allowing a tribe to raise and care for my girl.

Ever since I can remember my girl has gone with me wherever I have gone. It wasn’t unusual to see us at a goddess gathering, with me participating in a healing circle and my girl curled up on a meditation cushion with her colouring book.

Even a decade later the colouring is more mature and my friends all still huddle around the lunch table colouring with her and exchanging beautiful heart-warming dialogue. She is an amazing soul and just fits in. Again I pinch myself for being so lucky.

Age is no barrier as all my close girlfriends co-share the raising of my child. She has all their numbers on her phone and she has reached out to them in times of need when I was having treatment. For that, I feel so lucky that she trusts my wisdom in who I have introduced into her life as role models.

In sharing the joy of parenting this precious person, I too am gifted with a deepening of these relationships with strong grounded women. They aren’t just friends. They each fulfil a mother and sister like qualities in our relationships. We nurture each other. There is love. There are hugs. There are laughter and tears alike. Again I pinch myself for my luck.

I had tears of pride when my girl received an award last year at school, even though she has a learning challenge she worked her butt off. And so all those months we spent researching and investigating schools has paid off as they also nurture my child in a mother like way. The school is an extension of my circle of trust for my child.

I melt every time she hugs me and I am grateful even with homeschooling when she screeches out “mum I need help“, for I know it won’t be long until she doesn’t need me on a daily basis anymore.

I am grateful for the highs because they far outweigh the lows. She infuses the colour into my life that I never thought imaginable.

It’s days like today that my girl and I will get out one of my departed mum’s recipes and tell Nanny stories. My mum has been gone from the physical plane for over five years now, but we still are connected to her loving presence through photos and quilts, and stories of love.

There may be tears but they always have joy imbedded. You see today is my first mothers day on the other side of my breast cancer diagnosis and treatment.

I simply feel lucky to be here. I feel lucky to feel as strong and vibrant as I am right now when others aren’t.

I am so grateful and take nothing for granted. Every day I can be a parent is a rich gift.

My wish for all mums today, whether you birthed a live child or a sleeping angel, is that your heart expands so greatly with all these memories that it forces your mouth up into an enormous smile that lasts all day.

My wish is you too, belong to a tribe whereby you are nurtured as you mother your children, nieces and nephews, cousins and friends kids.

My wish for you today is you are connected to your heart space and have experienced unconditional love.

Happy mothers day from me to you.