Asking “WHAT” instead of “WHY” to move forward in your life!

There is a simple and powerful tool I frequently use to reframe my mindset. Whilst it’s not a Law of Attraction technique I’ve learnt, it’s definitely can be used to boost your motivation, for activating change in your life.

Let me begin with this statement – we are all challenged with ‘stuff’.

When I’m challenged with something that triggers me, I don’t like to wallow in feeling uncomfortable or negative. I like to be proactive so I can get on with my life.

I’ve had periods of my life that were darker than others. These days I choose to embrace, the gift that landed into my world, and explore what the lesson is.

I’m talking about when I am triggered, and I need to find a solution.

I try wherever possible to keep my processes simple for shifting gears when my mindset is challenged.

Let’s discuss the hows and whys that drive me to asking a “WHAT” question.

I know that sounds weird so allow me to explain that a little further with a bit of a story.

Picture yourself in the middle of a shit storm of an experience. The chaos has kicked in, and you’re triggered.

I’ve not met a single person on the planet yet who enjoys the thought of “sucking it up” and getting on with things or pushing through.

The thoughts and feelings, associated with sucking it up, always seems to be the what we feel at the beginning of a stressful experience. This strategy doesn’t work for a number of reasons.

Global Pandemic Impact

Let me reference the stress of this global pandemic. On some level, at some point during the last 18 months, we’ve all undergone massive changes or been caught up in the societal stress that this virus has caused.

Perhaps you haven’t coped well with being isolated from your tribe of support?

Perhaps home schooling is your trigger?

Perhaps just the threat of another covid lockdown pushes all your buttons?

Maybe you simply don’t like change and the thought of being told you have to wear a mask when outside makes you angry?

I recognise that the thought of having to suck it up, and being told by our government that we have to isolate and wear masks is different, it’s physically uncomfortable, and for some incredibly stressful. The entire topic of whether or not you should get vaccinated is so personal, and yet it’s generating an enormous amount of dialogue in our community right now.

And then there’s all the stuff being reported in the media…

Just me saying those few sentences is enough to trigger me.

Well you know what? The entire topic is frankly a little overwhelming and its fear inducing.

I think what contributes to the societal stress, is that our news reporters are using war language, with references such as we are under attack from this virus.

Our politicians are constantly disagreeing with policy and decisions which makes it challenging to easily digest and trust any information being shared within the community.

I get it.

Are you questioning everything right now?

We’re finding ourselves asking a hell of a lot of questions, some of which are reasonable, and some are fear-based. I know from my own experience, it’s very easy to quickly fall down a rabbit hole, and wallow in the pity party.

The global pandemic is amplifying community fears right now. There is so much societal stress arising within our community conversations, of who and what to believe.

There is much anger and frustration and a whole lot of fear based reactive behaviour. These fears aren’t just based in the present moment, but being projected into the future.

For example the fear of the future and fear of uncertainty of how long our community will be threatened with repeated lockdowns. The fear of personal safety of going out into the community. The list of fears is currently endless.

I’m not going to debate the science nor am I going to wade into the arena of vaccinations. What I want to address in today’s epsiode is how to reset your mindset, and remain in your lane regardless of the stress trigger that pushes your buttons.

Let’s bring our focus back to you right now. Breath in deeply and slowly, and then sigh with an open mouth. 

Brene Brown talks about fear being contagious, especially when it’s discussed a lot. And let’s face it, you can no longer listen to free to air tv or radio without a mention of the pandemic within any given 30 minute interval.

That’s pretty intense energy to expose oneself to, when you’re empathic and sensitive. It’s especially intense when it’s the only conversation going on.

We all remember where we were when the Victorian lockdown was instigated. I was at chemo. I was alone because the hospital were on full virus alert and patients were not allowed visitors. So my driver waited in the car or went for a walk for the six hour treatment session. Then we drove home for 2.5 hours. That made my oncology treatment extremely stressful at times.

The strategy I used then and continue to this day includes the following-

Tip #1 Limit Your Exposure

I gain a lot of internal peace when I limit my exposure to too much information. So I seek out what I find to be a reliable source of science and facts that I need to know, from a single trusted source.

I get in, get what I need to process and digest information, and get out again.

I rarely listen to news because it triggers me. So I seek out the highlights from a trusted source without commercials, so my exposure time is reduced. I get what I need for that day or week ahead and then I switch it off, feeling informed and knowing what I need to do to contribute to keeping myself and my community safe.

Tip #2 Have A Family Plan

I make sure my family members check in with each other. We keep the lines of communication open. Determining where we are all at on a daily basis is a healthy way to proactively manage anything that arises.

This measures how well we are coping, and goes a long way to ensuring everyone can recognise when individuals need more support. It also identifies when we need to action more self care strategies in order to swim in our lane.

Checking in with the family sometimes means reverting to a weekly meals plan, because when you’re really busy to have to think of what to cook tonight, that could be the thing that sends you into chaos.

Tip #3 Exercise

Move your body! Our bodies store a lot of emotion. When you move them, you are gifting yourself the chance to release out emotions that aren’t serving you, like those fears.

So get in touch with someone you trust and exercise together!

Tip #4 Hydrate!

You’d be surprised the impact that water has in lubricating the body and the brain. We want all our neural pathways to easily communicate with each other not have to send random signals and hope for the best. Thats is when our survival instinct kicks in and we can begin to feel defensive.

Tip #5 Ask a WHAT Question

Ok so now you’ve got a rough plan. Now it’s time to ask the “what” question.

Let’s explore this what question a little more.

After listening to Tasha Eurich’s Ted Talk “Increase your Self Awareness” I was left with two profound key points.

“Why” questions trap us into continuing to look in the rearview mirror of our life.

A why question often denotes an emotional component to answer or highlight a reason or cause. In the case of cancer, why would one person be diagnosed over another? In some cases, like smoking or drinking, the why is simple and easy to identify. There is an inference that the person’s actions were the cause.

The global pandemic however does not provide any reason or cause for the virus, but it does generate a whole lot of shame for anyone unfortunate enough to contract the virus.

A why question also denotes blame, shame, and guilt immediately to the inquisitor.

It infers the action of the question asker, to reflect on the reason of the cause of stress. In the case of my cancer experience, my oncologist states, it’s the luck of the draw. COVID is exactly the same.

In my experience and research, cancer and COVID is a little more than luck but still, no-fault should be drawn. Yet we self criticise, self punish and talk shit to ourselves when the going gets tough at the time! Other than making you feel worse and completely stuck, what is this serving you? You gain absolutely nothing from the stress you generate from asking ‘why’ questions.

I could talk about the involvement of epigenetics, diet and the management of chronic stress in one’s life — all of which contribute to cancer or suppressed immune systems.

There are likely to be the questions surrounding why me, but what if you were to consider what can I learn from this experience?

Does that one question stop you in your why tracks immediately?

Did you find yourself pausing and taking a slow deep breath and calming a little? And if you need to, pause this episode right now and do the simple breathing exercise of breathing in fully and slowly and then releasing a long slow elongated breath with an open mouth and sigh. Go on try a couple of breaths like that right now.

Feeling a little lighter?

Here’s the thing, whether you’re a newly diagnosed cancer patient or you have succumbed to the stress of the pandemic, none of those reasons you procured inside your head matter right now. Do they?

Looking for a cause is continuing to look in the rearview mirror of your life. The pandemic is here.

It’s not in your control to go back and make changes. It’s stressful trying to live in the past.

You can’t relive your life or get a do-over.

But YOU can make changes moving forward. It starts with focussing on what you can do in this moment right now.

You’re not doing yourself any favours by mentally beating yourself up with all the analysis of the why. Excessive or ongoing thinking literally will drain your physical energy to maintain the mental stamina to power the brain and continue assessing what did or did not go right or wrong.

The answer to overcoming the stress of a big life challenge like a cancer diagnosis or the global pandemic is to ask yourself this one question.

What is in my control right now?

Sit with that question and check in with your body. Is it still in a state of flight or fight? Or perhaps are you suddenly eager, to explore new horizons? Is there a shift? Try the breathing exercise again after asking yourself this question.

Mindful breathing and meditation is scientifically proven by the Heart Math Institute to have physiological benefits to both the body and our mental wellbeing.

Asking the what question shifts your vision, motivation and drive for life forward. It changes the mindset into a solution-orientated field.

 Asking what questions enable you to find a solution that works for you during this pandemic. I was working with a client the other day and we were joking about the tv series The Big Bang Theory’s character Sheldon. Uber smart, zero personality and yet to manage his anxieties and fears he has contingencies like a disaster management bag.

So asking yourself a What question today could help you map out what’s in your lockdown plan?

What type of exercise can you do and schedule it in? Give yourself the heads start and leave your running shoes at the front door!

What meals are easy to prepare?

What games can I play with my kids?

What people are on my contact list? Perhaps create a contact schedule so you’re reaching out to your tribe on a regular basis.

What project can I start or finish and make use of the lockdown time?

Final Words

One of the most empowering things you can gift yourself is to ask yourself what questions? Asking yourself “what can I learn from this experience?” literally reprogram your conscious brain into solution-seeking actions, rather than hosting a pity party.

Migrating through these stressful experiences can be tough. You get thrown so many lessons to learn about yourself. Asking what questions enables you to have some little bit of control of the many small things you can implement looking forward in your life.

Want to read more like this?

Can You Risk Not Stepping Up To Mother yourself? – Click here

How To Stop Making Excuses & Start Living Your Best Life – Click here

Healing Emotions Hurt More Than The Physical Wounds – Click Here

To gain balance in this wonderful thing called ‘life’!!

Can you honestly tell me that you couldn’t do with some more love in your life right now? Ahem, let me reframe that from love to ‘self-care’, and see if you answered the same way?

Spiritual health is defined as creating a balance between physical, psychological and social aspects of human life.

I would hesitate a guess that this year, in particular, a large proportion of western society has paused to think to themselves “what the hell is going on with this virus?”. Furthermore, my best guess would include that COVID has gifted many people with the opportunity to pause their hectic chaotic lives and literally ask themselves “who am I?” and “what am I doing with my life?”

If you haven’t taken the opportunity to ask yourself these questions during the lockdown, perhaps it’s time to undertake a spiritual health stocktake of your life!

Spiritual health is achieved when you feel at peace with life. It is when you are able to find hope and comfort in even the hardest of times. It can help to support you as you experience life completely. Spirituality is different for everyone.

If you’ve been feeling ‘meh’, negative nancy, lost or even overwhelmed, perhaps it’s time to reconnect with the real you, your inner self, your spiritual self?

Twenty Seven Reasons To Kickstart Your Journey

Here’s a quick list of reasons why you should be working on your spiritual self! Embarking on daily spiritual practices, habits and beliefs can support you to:-

1. Improve your capacity to feel and experience peace within.
2. Find hope in the most challenging of times.
3. Be able to step out of drama external to self, and walk your own divine path.
4. Gain inner peace. We are all deserving of feeling calm and relaxed.
5. Feel worthy of peace and love as a human being.
6. Embrace deservability of a wonderful life.
7. Step out of fears which stop you living your dream life.
8. Reframe negative thoughts, feelings, beliefs and habits.
9. Live your life on purpose, rather than existing or merely going with the flow.
10. Commit to self without self-doubt or judgement.
11. Become more motivated about you to improve self first.
12. Become consciously aware of the old stories you have been telling yourself which are filled with fears or untruths.
13. Trash the old excuses of why you can’t have your dream life.
14. Take small actions towards your dream life.
15. Own your arising stuff (ie stress) and take responsibility for making changes.
16. Allow yourself to experience simple fun without guilt or purchase.
17. Take leaps of faith to try new experiences.
18. Become courageous in pushing your boundary of abilities to live your dream life.
19. Be your own cheerleader, to overcome challenges.
20. Learn to let go of negative.
21. Back yourself to always keep trying until you have achieved the lesson and/or success.
22. Communicate from the heart, not the head.
23. Expand your capacity for life, rather than merely tiptoeing through the jungle of mundane.
24. Figure out what really matters and who you are.
25. Connect to your ‘why’ (ie what motivates you).
26. Determine your direction of growth.
27. Get out of your own way through calm acceptance.

Simply embracing just one of these suggestions today could be the thing that changes your life tomorrow!

About Karen

Change Facilitator

Karen Humphries is a Kinesiology Practitioner, Health & Business Coach, self-confessed laughaholic, and now Breast Cancer Advocate residing in Gippsland Victoria Australia. She loves being of service to the world with her humorous and positive approach to life, encouraging people to ‘choose to change and bloom from within.’ 

Learn 7 easy practices of self-worship, to live your best life.

A child will nearly always run back to its mother when they are distressed, have a boo-boo, or simply in need of comfort. As we become teenagers we drift steps away from mother as our confidence and independence grow. We stretch out of the family unit a branch out onto our own journey path. Yet we are still in need of nurture and mothering.

As adults, regardless of whether we maintain a relationship with our biological mother, we remain in need of receipt of the same depth of loving nurture throughout life. Who better to provide that nurture to you than yourself?

After all, you know yourself better than anyone else — right? And yet, we so quickly and easily invest ourself and our energy into the drama of others, that we often lose sight of our nurture needs.

Nurture is not solely a role to be fulfilled by a partner, friends or children. There is to some extent an exchange of nurture, or mothering, in these relationships. The recognition of our needs, and responsibility to implement actions to feel fulfilled rests solely on our shoulders as individuals.

As adults, we get the choice to mother ourselves. Modern western society certainly advocates it through extensive ‘self-help’ promotions. So often the entrapment of a good marketing ploy places a perverse spin on the outcome we all desire and we struggle to implement the helpful mothering instructions.

Social media automatically establishes a comparison basis for the audience. For example “Are you happy like Suzie?” will be the copy in some ad of a perfect-looking chick with flat abs, no arse and a great job. The airbrushed model is not a realistic portrayal for most people who juggle the hustle of modern life. You don’t see nor appreciate Suzie’s struggle or challenges in life. You have no idea what she has accomplished to become worthy of this time in her journey. Nor can you see her stretch marks or what snack she gorged on inside her wardrobe in an effort to hide from the kids last night.

A mother is defined as a woman who gives birth or who has the responsibility of physical and emotional care for specific children.

The physical care based realm is obvious — food and shelter are the basics that come to mind. The emotional care for a child is a much more complex discussion. We age and mature, leave the family nest, but we never actually discard or shed our inner child. This facet of our psyche will always remain in need of mothering and loving nurture throughout our lives.

So let me ask this. If a mother isn’t mothering herself, what does her child learn through its observations? 

Does that child learn that it is their job to fix everyone else? Does that child learn that their significant place in the world is not immediately important? If a child doesn’t see it’s mother/carer nurture themself (in my eyes a mother isn’t gender-specific), how do they learn to read their own internal feelings meter and respond accordingly? How does the child learn a language of receptivity to gauge when things aren’t right and ask for help?

If the mother is of service to everyone else and doesn’t meet their own needs, will the child see how exhausted they are? Or will the child simply continue asking for more with the expectation of request fulfilment?

A good mother is judged in western society for their physical appearance and their presence in the child’s life. But what if we sat back and redefined a good mother is someone who tries their best, is honest with their feelings especially in terms of how they communicate with themselves and others with their truth? 

A good mother should be defined as someone who teaches a child how to become a responsible adult, with lessons of how to communicate openly whilst connected to their feelings barometer. This is done by leading through example. Often this involves negotiation after checking in with how you are feeling and determining your capacity for fulfilling the request from another.

Imagine if we truly valued how a mother guided a child to understand their own self-worth, self-confidence, and self-love. What if we perceived the performance of a mother based on how they showed their children how to value themselves through self-love actions. Imagine the resilience of our children, young teens and young adults if they were taught how to love themself?

Would our world be different if all parents were taught unconditional love, and then shared these lessons with their own children? Would our pace be slower? Would we naturally be more respectful? Would we naturally make eye contact when communicating, staring deeply into each other’s soul without feeling intimidated? Would we more readily express ourselves and not be afraid to follow our dreams?

So let’s take a quick look at 7 ways you could improve your self-mothering today.

1. Decide you are worthy

Is today the day you can decide to value who you are? In an article by Psychology Alive, Dr. Lisa Firestone believes that “self-worth should be less about measuring yourself based on external actions and more about valuing your inherent worth as a person. In other words, self-worth is about who you are, not about what you do.”

The act of deciding your worth should not focus on measuring ourself against others, but paying attention to one’s intrinsic value. Always remember the golden rule that there is always someone richer, more attractive, or successful than you.

Self-worth is all about forming a positive and healthy relationship with your inner critique, who by the way often gets chatty when you’re close to success. Why is this? It’s just your old fear pattern being exercised. When this arises remind yourself you are close to success so continue mothering yourself!

2. Set your intention

Setting an intention is one of the very fastest ways to consciously activate your receptivity for change. For example, if you were to go out in the day, and not have set any intention or created any type of prayer or manifestation of how you want the day to go, then you’re getting on a bike with no direction. Intentions can provide roadmaps and reminders for how to want to live out each day.

Intentions give you purpose, as well as the inspiration and motivation to achieve your purpose. The practice of setting daily intentions can change your life with consistent application, especially when applied to self-care and mothering.

Here are some sample intentions to try-

• Today it is my intention to surrender to ordinary thinking
• Today is it my intention to be open to more joy in my life through
• today I gift myself permission to take timeouts and reset my mood where required so that I remain upbeat and dynamic
  

3. Commitment to self

The journey of life can new viewed two way. Either you’re drifting through it or you’re owning it and the lessons that are gifted to you. Make the commitment to back yourself today. No excuses!

Every time you feel yourself being tractor beamed into someone else’s drama, tap your hip (it’s a kinesiology based neurological reset button) and state aloud to yourself “RESET”. Literally, picture yourself stepping back and just observing the other party.

4. Take regular time outs

One of the very best lessons I ever learnt personally in relation to mothering myself first was this. If I use all of my energy being of service to everyone else, my bucket very quickly runs dry. That means I turn into a hot mess and I’m no good to anyone.

Giving yourself permission to take a time out is gold. It’s like resetting yourself to start the day again. We all have stuff crop up in our lives. Some days are better than others.

Utilise a ‘time out’ to reset the mindset from crappy to happy.

When I take time out throughout every single day, I maintain my centre and focus. I’m grounded. I’m energised. I am connected to my intuition. Break up the monotony of the daily routine with short bursts of activity — I chase puppies, hang out the washing, yoga stretch, meditate or dance disco 80s style.

5. Implement little love actions

Small loving actions such as rubbing scented lotion onto your skin, taking a bath, nature immersion, all make significant contributions towards lowering your cortisol levels and keeping you calm. The more relaxed you are, the better you sleep, the younger you look. The better quality sleep you obtain, the more energy you will have for tomorrow.

6. Be generous with your love language

Never limit the love language you give yourself inside your head. One of the best ways to consciously infuse self-worth, boost deservabilty and confidence, is to love all over yourself with how you communicate to and with yourself.

Find small ways to appreciate who you are and what you’ve got to offer in your own life and the world. Utilise that voice in your head to talk positive. Any time a negative statement is uttered tell Spirit “CANCEL THAT” and reframe immediately into something positive.

you will undoubtedly find yourself cancelling lots of negative thoughts in the first couple of weeks. However, keep reminding yourself that you are literally retraining your thought processes and making happiness bank account deposits each time you reframe something into positive.

Keep reminding yourself you are so worth this investment!

7. Be grateful & thankful

Harvard Health discusses “in psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships. People feel and express gratitude in multiple ways.”

Being thankful helps you to think more about other people’s feelings from their point of view. It’s called empathy. Remember this, creating thankful thought habits helps you get through life’s tough times. This is because you have trained your mind to reframe all of the good things in your life.

Summary

The only person actually responsible for the adult version of self is you. Sure you can blame your parents for your childhood, but your adult life and how well you live it is on you. Make the commitment to mother self today with unconditional love and intention.

About Karen

Change Facilitator

Karen Humphries is a Kinesiology Practitioner, Health & Business Coach, self-confessed laughaholic, and now Breast Cancer Advocate residing in Gippsland Victoria Australia. She loves being of service to the world with her humorous and positive approach to life, encouraging people to ‘choose to change and bloom from within.’ 

Get comfortable sitting in your ‘discomfort’ enables the shifts to live the life you desire! 

I’m getting a lot of calls and messages lately, from clients who have avoided their stuff for months if not years. They are distressed and desperate for an immediate change of circumstances. Their stuff is swallowing them whole. 

Let’s be clear, we ALL have stuff — you know, that shit we all deal with. The stuff that includes challenges so negative that trip us up and cause us to splat on our face.

We’ve all got stuff in our lives to deal with. Never delude yourself that you don’t, because you do. No one is excluded from learning lessons. No one.

In my experience though, it’s how well we are willing to explore our stuff that determines what we learn about ourselves. Our willingness regarding how quickly we can dig around and investigate our stuff, and how we evolve from the lessons that need to be learnt actually drive the outcome of who we are today and what we become tomorrow.

Deep right? But knowing this doesn’t solve the discomfort you may be sitting in right now. 

In fact, if you have been avoiding taking responsibility for your stuff for a while it is highly likely that lately you have felt trapped or burdened in life. The world is changing and many of us are struggling to figure out who we are and where we now fit? 

You may be desperate to want to make changes and have no idea where to start and the anxiety of this is eating you up.

Those of us who are more resilient than others are willing and able to explore the darkness within. We are willing and motivated to sit in our stuff and allow ourselves to explore in order to understand and gain knowledge of who we are. It feels like there is no time for wallowing, just exploration.

About Karen

Change Facilitator

Karen Humphries is a Kinesiology Practitioner, Health & Business Coach, self-confessed laughaholic, and now Breast Cancer Advocate residing in Gippsland Victoria Australia. She loves being of service to the world with her humorous and positive approach to life, encouraging people to ‘choose to change and bloom from within.’