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How To Stop Making Excuses And Start Living Your Best Life

How To Stop Making Excuses And Start Living Your Best Life

How To Take Charge of Your Stuff

 

How you perceive these current global circumstances is a mindset choice.

  • I don’t have support.
  • I don’t have equipment or resources to achieve my goal
  • I don’t know the best way
  • I’m too old or young, to do what I want
  • I’m too busy to do what I want.
  • I’m too tired.
  • I’m too sore, too much pain or simply not feeling the vibe of wanting to do what I want.

Recognise the excuses are no valid, they aren’t you. They are conjured and fabricated from your self-doubt. The doubt arises from the fear that you may fail, miss out, be left behind, fear to be considered yourself unworthy, fear of feeling not good enough, fear the future, uncertainty or unknown.

Our truth is our capacity and commitment to rise above the experience and show the world who we really are, despite the fears of showing the world our true self.

And here’s the catch. You have to choose that outcome. You have to want your truth more than you avoid fear.

Starting your day with a positive intention-based mindset sets you up for success. Being aware of any negative dialogue you have during the day and reframing a negative thought, like a judgement, into something positive allows you to drag the energy of the excuse (and it’s associated behavioural pattern) into the consciousness to be addressed.

Being happy is like a savings account at the bank. It takes regular deposits into the account to make it grow, to evolve the habit and turn things around.

This commitment to self means no more cheating the rules, calling yourself on the laziness, and basically being committed enough to self to just do the life you want, over and over until it becomes the new habit of doing you.

Summary

Karen Humphries, Change Chick, Change Facilitator, Kinesiology, Wellness Coach, Australian Bush Flower Essences, LEAP Facilitator, Trauma, Public Speaker, Cancer Ambassador, Blooming From Within, Traralgon, Victoria, Gippsland

About Karen

Change Facilitator

Karen Humphries is a Kinesiology Practitioner, Health & Business Coach, self-confessed laughaholic, and now Breast Cancer Advocate residing in Gippsland Victoria Australia. She loves being of service to the world with her humorous and positive approach to life, encouraging people to ‘choose to change and bloom from within.’ 

27 Reasons To Kick Start Your Spiritual Journey Today

27 Reasons To Kick Start Your Spiritual Journey Today

To gain balance in this wonderful thing called ‘life’!!

Can you honestly tell me that you couldn’t do with some more love in your life right now? Ahem, let me reframe that from love to ‘self-care’, and see if you answered the same way?

 

Spiritual health is defined as creating a balance between physical, psychological and social aspects of human life.

 

I would hesitate a guess that this year, in particular, a large proportion of western society has paused to think to themselves “what the hell is going on with this virus?”. Furthermore, my best guess would include that COVID has gifted many people with the opportunity to pause their hectic chaotic lives and literally ask themselves “who am I?” and “what am I doing with my life?

If you haven’t taken the opportunity to ask yourself these questions during the lockdown, perhaps it’s time to undertake a spiritual health stocktake of your life!

 

Spiritual health is achieved when you feel at peace with life. It is when you are able to find hope and comfort in even the hardest of times. It can help to support you as you experience life completely. Spirituality is different for everyone.

 

If you’ve been feeling ‘meh’, negative nancy, lost or even overwhelmed, perhaps it’s time to reconnect with the real you, your inner self, your spiritual self?

 

Twenty Seven Reasons To Kickstart Your Journey

 

Here’s a quick list of reasons why you should be working on your spiritual self! Embarking on daily spiritual practices, habits and beliefs can support you to:-

  1. Improve your capacity to feel and experience peace within.
  2. Find hope in the most challenging of times.
  3. Be able to step out of drama external to self, and walk your own divine path.
  4. Gain inner peace. We are all deserving of feeling calm and relaxed.
  5. Feel worthy of peace and love as a human being.
  6. Embrace deservability of a wonderful life.
  7. Step out of fears which stop you living your dream life.
  8. Reframe negative thoughts, feelings, beliefs and habits.
  9. Live your life on purpose, rather than existing or merely going with the flow.
  10. Commit to self without self-doubt or judgement.
  11. Become more motivated about you to improve self first.
  12. Become consciously aware of the old stories you have been telling yourself which are filled with fears or untruths.
  13. Trash the old excuses of why you can’t have your dream life.
  14. Take small actions towards your dream life.
  15. Own your arising stuff (ie stress) and take responsibility for making changes.
  16. Allow yourself to experience simple fun without guilt or purchase.
  17. Take leaps of faith to try new experiences.
  18. Become courageous in pushing your boundary of abilities to live your dream life.
  19. Be your own cheerleader, to overcome challenges.
  20. Learn to let go of negative.
  21. Back yourself to always keep trying until you have achieved the lesson and/or success.
  22. Communicate from the heart, not the head.
  23. Expand your capacity for life, rather than merely tiptoeing through the jungle of mundane.
  24. Figure out what really matters and who you are.
  25. Connect to your ‘why’ (ie what motivates you).
  26. Determine your direction of growth.
  27. Get out of your own way through calm acceptance.

Simply embracing just one of these suggestions today could be the thing that changes your life tomorrow!

 

Karen Humphries, Change Chick, Change Facilitator, Kinesiology, Wellness Coach, Australian Bush Flower Essences, LEAP Facilitator, Trauma, Public Speaker, Cancer Ambassador, Blooming From Within, Traralgon, Victoria, Gippsland

About Karen

Change Facilitator

Karen Humphries is a Kinesiology Practitioner, Health & Business Coach, self-confessed laughaholic, and now Breast Cancer Advocate residing in Gippsland Victoria Australia. She loves being of service to the world with her humorous and positive approach to life, encouraging people to ‘choose to change and bloom from within.’ 

Can You Risk Not Stepping Up To ‘Mother’ Yourself?

Can You Risk Not Stepping Up To ‘Mother’ Yourself?

Learn 7 easy practices of self-worship, to live your best life.

A child will nearly always run back to its mother when they are distressed, have a boo-boo, or simply in need of comfort. As we become teenagers we drift steps away from mother as our confidence and independence grow. We stretch out of the family unit a branch out onto our own journey path. Yet we are still in need of nurture and mothering.

As adults, regardless of whether we maintain a relationship with our biological mother, we remain in need of receipt of the same depth of loving nurture throughout life. Who better to provide that nurture to you than yourself?

After all, you know yourself better than anyone else — right? And yet, we so quickly and easily invest ourself and our energy into the drama of others, that we often lose sight of our nurture needs.

Nurture is not solely a role to be fulfilled by a partner, friends or children. There is to some extent an exchange of nurture, or mothering, in these relationships. The recognition of our needs, and responsibility to implement actions to feel fulfilled rests solely on our shoulders as individuals.

As adults, we get the choice to mother ourselves. Modern western society certainly advocates it through extensive ‘self-help’ promotions. So often the entrapment of a good marketing ploy places a perverse spin on the outcome we all desire and we struggle to implement the helpful mothering instructions.

Social media automatically establishes a comparison basis for the audience. For example “Are you happy like Suzie?” will be the copy in some ad of a perfect-looking chick with flat abs, no arse and a great job. The airbrushed model is not a realistic portrayal for most people who juggle the hustle of modern life. You don’t see nor appreciate Suzie’s struggle or challenges in life. You have no idea what she has accomplished to become worthy of this time in her journey. Nor can you see her stretch marks or what snack she gorged on inside her wardrobe in an effort to hide from the kids last night.

A mother is defined as a woman who gives birth or who has the responsibility of physical and emotional care for specific children.

The physical care based realm is obvious — food and shelter are the basics that come to mind. The emotional care for a child is a much more complex discussion. We age and mature, leave the family nest, but we never actually discard or shed our inner child. This facet of our psyche will always remain in need of mothering and loving nurture throughout our lives.

 

So let me ask this. If a mother isn’t mothering herself, what does her child learn through its observations? 

 

Does that child learn that it is their job to fix everyone else? Does that child learn that their significant place in the world is not immediately important? If a child doesn’t see it’s mother/carer nurture themself (in my eyes a mother isn’t gender-specific), how do they learn to read their own internal feelings meter and respond accordingly? How does the child learn a language of receptivity to gauge when things aren’t right and ask for help?

 

If the mother is of service to everyone else and doesn’t meet their own needs, will the child see how exhausted they are? Or will the child simply continue asking for more with the expectation of request fulfilment?

 

A good mother is judged in western society for their physical appearance and their presence in the child’s life. But what if we sat back and redefined a good mother is someone who tries their best, is honest with their feelings especially in terms of how they communicate with themselves and others with their truth? 

A good mother should be defined as someone who teaches a child how to become a responsible adult, with lessons of how to communicate openly whilst connected to their feelings barometer. This is done by leading through example. Often this involves negotiation after checking in with how you are feeling and determining your capacity for fulfilling the request from another.

Imagine if we truly valued how a mother guided a child to understand their own self-worth, self-confidence, and self-love. What if we perceived the performance of a mother based on how they showed their children how to value themselves through self-love actions. Imagine the resilience of our children, young teens and young adults if they were taught how to love themself?

Would our world be different if all parents were taught unconditional love, and then shared these lessons with their own children? Would our pace be slower? Would we naturally be more respectful? Would we naturally make eye contact when communicating, staring deeply into each other’s soul without feeling intimidated? Would we more readily express ourselves and not be afraid to follow our dreams?

So what can one do to mother themselves? I am constantly having this conversation in my clinical practice. I’ve not met a mother yet who doesn’t want their child to feel confident and resilient going out into the world. And yet, the majority of our teachings are from the behaviours and actions of our parents.

So let’s take a quick look at 7 ways you could improve your self-mothering today.

1. Decide you are worthy

Is today the day you can decide to value who you are? In an article by Psychology Alive, Dr. Lisa Firestone believes that “self-worth should be less about measuring yourself based on external actions and more about valuing your inherent worth as a person. In other words, self-worth is about who you are, not about what you do.

The act of deciding your worth should not focus on measuring ourself against others, but paying attention to one’s intrinsic value. Always remember the golden rule that there is always someone richer, more attractive, or successful than you.

Self-worth is all about forming a positive and healthy relationship with your inner critique, who by the way often gets chatty when you’re close to success. Why is this? It’s just your old fear pattern being exercised. When this arises remind yourself you are close to success so continue mothering yourself!

 

2. Set your intention

 

Setting an intention is one of the very fastest ways to consciously activate your receptivity for change. For example, if you were to go out in the day, and not have set any intention or created any type of prayer or manifestation of how you want the day to go, then you’re getting on a bike with no direction. Intentions can provide roadmaps and reminders for how to want to live out each day.

Intentions give you purpose, as well as the inspiration and motivation to achieve your purpose. The practice of setting daily intentions can change your life with consistent application, especially when applied to self-care and mothering.

Here are some sample intentions to try-

  • Today it is my intention to surrender to ordinary thinking
  • Today is it my intention to be open to more joy in my life through
  • today I gift myself permission to take timeouts and reset my mood where required so that I remain upbeat and dynamic

3. Commitment to self

 

The journey of life can new viewed two way. Either you’re drifting through it or you’re owning it and the lessons that are gifted to you. Make the commitment to back yourself today. No excuses!

Every time you feel yourself being tractor beamed into someone else’s drama, tap your hip (it’s a kinesiology based neurological reset button) and state aloud to yourself “RESET”. Literally, picture yourself stepping back and just observing the other party.

 

4. Take regular time outs

 

One of the very best lessons I ever learnt personally in relation to mothering myself first was this. If I use all of my energy being of service to everyone else, my bucket very quickly runs dry. That means I turn into a hot mess and I’m no good to anyone.

Giving yourself permission to take a time out is gold. It’s like resetting yourself to start the day again. We all have stuff crop up in our lives. Some days are better than others.

Utilise a ‘time out’ to reset the mindset from crappy to happy.

When I take time out throughout every single day, I maintain my centre and focus. I’m grounded. I’m energised. I am connected to my intuition. Break up the monotony of the daily routine with short bursts of activity — I chase puppies, hang out the washing, yoga stretch, meditate or dance disco 80s style.

 

5. Implement little love actions

 

Small loving actions such as rubbing scented lotion onto your skin, taking a bath, nature immersion, all make significant contributions towards lowering your cortisol levels and keeping you calm. The more relaxed you are, the better you sleep, the younger you look. The better quality sleep you obtain, the more energy you will have for tomorrow.

 

6. Be generous with your love language

 

Never limit the love language you give yourself inside your head. One of the best ways to consciously infuse self-worth, boost deservabilty and confidence, is to love all over yourself with how you communicate to and with yourself.

Find small ways to appreciate who you are and what you’ve got to offer in your own life and the world. Utilise that voice in your head to talk positive. Any time a negative statement is uttered tell Spirit “CANCEL THAT” and reframe immediately into something positive.

you will undoubtedly find yourself cancelling lots of negative thoughts in the first couple of weeks. However, keep reminding yourself that you are literally retraining your thought processes and making happiness bank account deposits each time you reframe something into positive.

Keep reminding yourself you are so worth this investment!

 

7. Be grateful & thankful

 

Harvard Health discusses “in psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships. People feel and express gratitude in multiple ways.

Being thankful helps you to think more about other people’s feelings from their point of view. It’s called empathy. Remember this, creating thankful thought habits helps you get through life’s tough times. This is because you have trained your mind to reframe all of the good things in your life.

 

Summary

 

The only person actually responsible for the adult version of self is you. Sure you can blame your parents for your childhood, but your adult life and how well you live it is on you. Make the commitment to mother self today with unconditional love and intention.

Karen Humphries, Change Chick, Change Facilitator, Kinesiology, Wellness Coach, Australian Bush Flower Essences, LEAP Facilitator, Trauma, Public Speaker, Cancer Ambassador, Blooming From Within, Traralgon, Victoria, Gippsland

About Karen

Change Facilitator

Karen Humphries is a Kinesiology Practitioner, Health & Business Coach, self-confessed laughaholic, and now Breast Cancer Advocate residing in Gippsland Victoria Australia. She loves being of service to the world with her humorous and positive approach to life, encouraging people to ‘choose to change and bloom from within.’ 

Embrace Your Wound

Embrace Your Wound

Get comfortable sitting in your ‘discomfort’ enables the shifts to live the life you desire! 

 

I’m getting a lot of calls and messages lately, from clients who have avoided their stuff for months if not years. They are distressed and desperate for an immediate change of circumstances. Their stuff is swallowing them whole. 

Let’s be clear, we ALL have stuff — you know, that shit we all deal with. The stuff that includes challenges so negative that trip us up and cause us to splat on our face.

We’ve all got stuff in our lives to deal with. Never delude yourself that you don’t, because you do. No one is excluded from learning lessons. No one.

In my experience though, it’s how well we are willing to explore our stuff that determines what we learn about ourselves. Our willingness regarding how quickly we can dig around and investigate our stuff, and how we evolve from the lessons that need to be learnt actually drive the outcome of who we are today and what we become tomorrow.

Deep right? But knowing this doesn’t solve the discomfort you may be sitting in right now. 

In fact, if you have been avoiding taking responsibility for your stuff for a while it is highly likely that lately you have felt trapped or burdened in life. The world is changing and many of us are struggling to figure out who we are and where we now fit? 

 

You may be desperate to want to make changes and have no idea where to start and the anxiety of this is eating you up.

Those of us who are more resilient than others are willing and able to explore the darkness within. We are willing and motivated to sit in our stuff and allow ourselves to explore in order to understand and gain knowledge of who we are. It feels like there is no time for wallowing, just exploration.

Is it comfortable or pleasant? Nope.

It’s only when we avoid, procrastinate, and delay this exploration that we feel pain. The longer we allow the festering to evolve what happens on an unconscious level is how we develop mental habits to reinforce more avoidance, procrastination and you guessed it, more pain. 

And so the cycle not only continues but escalates its reinforcement of the new rules — avoid pain at all costs. Do you see how quickly you can create a base for anxiety to root into?

Not exactly the outcome we want when desperately seeking support. And yet so many people book a singular appointment expecting a cure to their ails but with no work undertaken on their part. 

I have even been asked during the middle of a consultation “is there a pill to make the shit go away?”

Their investment to being responsible for their stuff is zero and they continue to wonder why they are still swallowed and consumed by the mud of their krud.

 


 

Breast cancer has been an immense chapter of self-discovery. It feels somewhat like an abyss of stuff I have been wading through and I am finally feeling like I am getting traction. Lots of meditation and quiet walks to process what arises. Acceptance and stepping beyond ordinary thinking have taken me leaps and bounds. 

 

It is such a gift to self to allow yourself to step into ‘responsibility’ and wade around the stuff.

 

There are occasions whereby it is uncomfortable and sure you want to avoid stepping in it, much like avoiding dogshit on the pavement. It’s natural to want to avoid the uncomfortable.

But guess what? When you take the time to look, sitting quietly in your heart space, you gain such a profound understanding of who you are and what makes you tick. 

Your head holds your response programs to your experiences. Your body holds the emotions which drive the programs. Your heart is the source of your love and intuition.

If you are in your head all the time how well connected to your truth are you? Or are you simply playing mental pattern reruns of the nightmare on elm street?

This deeper understanding of yourself allows you to simply accept everything as it is and love all of the facets of you — love the positive and the negative. For it’s the negative or darkness that holds your deepest lessons. I liken the negative to my hidden treasure. I simply need to accept it’s there, and by doing this there is no fight. This acceptance is like shining light on the situation so that I gain clarity.

What this crazy COVID-CANCER year has taught me, is to slow down. It’s often when I’m out of my head and having a nature fix that Spirit gets chatty, and I can easily connect with my inner wisdom. 

Having done spiritual journey work for nearly two decades, I’m used to exploring and processing my stuff. What I’m learning this year, with the influx of new energy is this.

What if we simply accepted that we have stuff? 

Would merely accepting something has arisen negate the need to judge? 

Would acceptance negate the need to assess and process?

Would conscious acceptance of the stuff merely turn off the negative attachment to the stuff and you see it and let it go with full, and loving conscious awareness?

So I’ll challenge you with this question! 

Is it time to stop running from ‘self’? Is it time to pause and embrace all that you are? 

Worthy. 

Deserving.

Loveable. 

Amazing. 

Radiant.

Strong. 

And best of all are you feeling effervescent with life?!!!

 

Deep down you know fulfilment doesn’t come from food, a job, or a romantic partner. It springs organically from your soul.” -Panache Desai

 

For some reason we fear going deep within to find our own answers – we have them all you know?

It takes a little practice and a willingness to explore. As you settle the monkey mind and step down into your heart space you create a new neural pathway, like muscle memory.

The transition back to your true self gets easier and easier with daily commitment. When the chips are down you get to review the current situation and then choose again.

Ready to try and connect with self today?

Walking around my local nature reserve this morning I paused mid-walk to do a meditation.

As you know I am preparing my body and headspace for surgery later this week.  

There is a myriad of emotions and beliefs that I have been regularly sitting with, peeling back to expose and love through a deeper understanding.

The process isn’t as heavy as it used to once be. The serenity arrives as I surrender to learning and embracing self, rather than avoiding and procrastinating. 

Wishing a problem would go away or disappear sends a wish to the universe that you would rather sit in your pain body than address the lesson and embrace the love of self.

I saw a magnificent tree this morning on my walk. Whilst it had what appeared to be an open wound, upon closer inspection it was sealed over. And the tree had flourished despite the wound.

My lesson through this observation was this. Despite the experience of breast cancer, the surgeries and treatment I am still my feral funny self. 

I am still a joy seeker. I still chase sunrises and rainbows. I still love tree-hugging and telling naughty jokes. 
.
I am still me, just not as green as a young sapling. My branches and trunk have matured and evolved.

Want to know how I started this process?

 

I set my intention daily to surrender to ‘ordinary thinking’.

 

When I ask spirit for guidance, and I remain open-minded the smallest things catch my eye. Sometimes the reason I stare or investigate is obvious. Other times I seek additional clarification. 

I literally gasp “please show me the lesson with clarity ease and grace”.

Just like the tree, I continue to grow. Like the tree, I trust that my wound will seal just like the tree.

Our scars tell a story, add interest, give us depth, just like this tree. Without the wound, you may have just thought it was a beautiful tree and kept walking but you’ve stopped and wondered about its life and that’s far more interesting than it’s external beauty.

Exploring your wound doesn’t have to be painful. You simply have to be curious. In other words, you have to be willing to look. 

The quicker you find the challenge and accept that it’s yours the sooner you will be seeking a solution. 

Look at my life. Without cancer, I wouldn’t be right where I am today.

Everything that has happened in the last six months has taught me so much. It showed me I am so much more than a cancer survivor. I have solidified the ultimate and innate knowing of Karen. I learnt the power of embracing self and what is brought to the table when you drop the hustle and are exactly who you should be.

I have learnt that my toolbox is incredible and spirit is now showing me how to share this with the world.

Karen Humphries, Change Chick, Change Facilitator, Kinesiology, Wellness Coach, Australian Bush Flower Essences, LEAP Facilitator, Trauma, Public Speaker, Cancer Ambassador, Blooming From Within, Traralgon, Victoria, Gippsland

About Karen

Change Facilitator

Karen Humphries is a Kinesiology Practitioner, Health & Business Coach, self-confessed laughaholic, and now Breast Cancer Advocate residing in Gippsland Victoria Australia. She loves being of service to the world with her humorous and positive approach to life, encouraging people to ‘choose to change and bloom from within.’ 

Expectations Are the Biggest Form of Self-Sabotage

Expectations Are the Biggest Form of Self-Sabotage

We often invest in daydreaming but aren’t really aware of what we are doing to ourselves when the dreams aren’t fulfilled.

We don’t realise the full impact of having an expectation until it’s not met. We often invest in daydreaming but aren’t really aware of what we are doing to ourselves when the dreams arent fulfilled.

Expectations are a funny thing. Defined as “a belief that something will happen or be the case,” they are often formulated from a mental energy-based ‘misperception.’ They can be linked with our ‘intention setting,’ but they aren’t always positive, and they’re often unrealistic.

When they are unreasonable for us, they can be downright destructive in terms of the thought processes we use to punish ourselves when we perceive we have failed.

This can be demonstrated when a couple learn that they are pregnant. The expectation is that pregnancy will be a magical glowing experience — go to the hospital and come home with a baby. Life will be amazing. And yes, we all want this as the outcome. However, it’s not always the case.

Some pregnancies don’t proceed after 12 weeks, some women feel nauseated the entire pregnancy, or lose their hair, or become incontinent, or get hemorrhoids, have horrific birth experiences. Some women even experience all of this. Some babies are stillborn. Some babies were expected to be boys and yet born girls.

Where the heck is the rosy picture of pregnancy then?

Isn’t it interesting, how quickly your brain went from pregnancy to expectation of seeing the mother hold the newborn? That’s how subtle an expectation can affect us.

The subliminal perceptions that are associated with outcomes are very interesting. While you want to go straight to an easy and nice outcome, there’s often no pausing by the brain to assess anything alternative.

It is this point that we establish an anchor point for negative perceptions and links to future failures.

Travis Bradberry talks about expectations in terms of goal setting and suggests it’s a good thing to have positive expectations when working towards your goals. I happen to disagree on one level in relation to this.

Why?

Because to focus on the expected outcome without making any connection to the emotional juice — your feelings — means that you’ll lose motivation, get mindset wobbles, and ultimately fall off the moving forward wagon.

Bradberry talks about the following unrealistic expectations that bring you undone, and I find myself often supporting clients within my clinical practice in defusing negative emotions associated with these:

  • Life should be fair
  • Opportunities should fall into my lap
  • Everyone should like me
  • People should agree with me
  • People should know what I am saying
  • I’m going to fail
  • Things will make me happy
  • I can change him/her

Christine Hassler has the right idea and looks at flipping expectation on its head so you turn potential negatives into positives with a couple of hot tips. I would add to the goal-setting process, that you take the time to actually understand your emotions which motivate you and drive you to want success.

For it is this understanding which will support you to pick yourself up from any future perception of failure and remind self of the ultimate goal — to feel happiness and joy.

After all, that’s what life is all about, isn’t it?

1. Have A Dream.

 Don’t get me wrong. It’s important to have dreams. We need something to drive our motivation and reason to live.

 Yet having a dream without a clear connection on how you will arrive at the change destination is a recipe for disaster.

For example, it’s great to set a goal to lose weight. But you don’t burn enough calories through worry or stress to drop the desired kilos. It requires actions such as smaller portion sizes, calorie counting perhaps, or even increased movement to achieve the results you want.

Having a dream enables you to manage how your dream life will feel when you are living. The trick is to make the dream fluid and flow, rather than write the script of exactly how things are to unfold.

2. Set Small Implementable Goals & Actions.

To be able to realise your dream to fruition, you need goals. In order to tick the goals off the list, it’s critical to identify small actions which you can easily implement and achieve.

Identifying small actions removes the negativity of expectation because you are forced to ask yourself during planning, whether you consider you can actually achieve what you are wanting to implement.

Making small easy wins in the first few days is critical for driving your motivation through the slightly harder tasks and maintain your willingness to continue when it gets tough.

3. Openly Communicate With Self & Others.

Open communication is an absolute must whereby you provide or seek clarification of what you are wanting to in your dream life. This means you need to be clear on what you think, say aloud, and not what you infer.

No one is a mind reader.

We don’t understand your individual thought process. I haven’t lived your life with your experiences and inherited patterns, therefore I can’t possibly understand or recognise your stress triggers unless you tell me. Even then, I’m only processing your needs in relation to your stress triggers, with my stuff filter on!

Furthermore, if you’re trying to communicate something specific in relation to what you desire, it often pays to link your emotional juice to validate the reason or purpose.

For example, if asking a colleague for a task to be done without specifying a deadline or reason for task sets everyone up for failure. Openly communicating exactly what the task is, when it’s due to be completed, and why it will support all parties to work collaboratively to achieve the goal.

It’s a bit like making an informal agreement so that everyone involved understands the part they play.

The same reasoning applies when communicating with yourself about living your intended dream life. You have to be honest within your internal dialogue. Check-in with yourself and audit the depth of positivity or negativity. If your internal dialogue is on the negative nancy side, you can attempt to use affirmations and positive intentions and get nowhere fast with a single negative thought.

You’ll quickly frustrate yourself that you’re not achieving and the resultant expectation will leave you feeling like you’re a failure.

4. Connect To Your Emotional Juice.

This concept can be expanded further to our own goal-setting process. As a Wellness Coach, I work with clients to focus on creating goals to work towards living their dream life.

Whilst we set goals, we place our focus on the new habit that needs to be created to embrace the feeling, the emotional juice, of that dream life. Hassel refers to this as ‘secret sauce’ and I believe she’s onto something there!

When we create goals, part of the learning experience is that we experience mindset wobbles. It’s a bit like the universe subliminally asking us “are you sure this is what you want?

When the motivation waivers, I encourage clients to return to my notes on “what do I want to feel,” which associated with their goal.

Asking yourself these simple questions then enables you to dissociate from the negative perception of failure and focus on the positive outcomes. When coaching, I often find identifying weaknesses (or as I like to call them opportunities for growth) the most powerful exercise of goal setting we can undertake.

Asking the following questions prompts our logical thinking to find solutions outside of the box, find evidence of previous success (ie what has worked before), and how we can change in the future.

  • What did I learn?
  • How can I leverage this learning to achieve my next goal?
  • How can I behave differently in the future?
  • And based on what I learned, what agreement can I make to myself or someone else regarding future goals?

Through identifying the challenges (ie weaknesses), you have the conscious opportunity to circumvent the expectation of failure by actively reframing and planning to succeed through connection with all your good juju.

5. Validation

Seeking validation that you have been understood during communication ensures that all parties are on the same page. Sometimes, this communication helps you to remain very clear on what it is exactly that you want.

As we undertake work towards achieving the goal, sometimes it changes and we receive unexpected bonuses. Validating your emotional juice, your feelings in relation to life is a fantastic opportunity to clarify — yes I’m on the right path.

Validating your feelings enables you to maintain connections between your emotional brain and gut reaction — ie open heart space. Validation of our feelings reduces expectations because we remain connected to that inner knowing, and allow ourselves to be guided through the change obstacle course.

It’s when we disconnect from feelings during the reaction that those Negative Nancy monkey chatter patterns kick in and we misperceive what’s going on around us.

6. High involvement in actions, low attachment to the outcome.

Hassel refers to this as an expectation hangover, and I completely agree. As we walk our path, it’s vital to focus on how good we are feeling at moving forward on our journey, the lessons we are learning, and our growth.

If we focus on outcomes like acquiring stuff, more money, etc then there is no internal satisfaction and we crave more external to validate our internal sense of self-worth.

Sometimes just having clarity in the small steps forward that we take can alter our perception of the journey we walk.

So take action — and plenty of it.


Connecting with how the action makes you feel as you migrate towards your ideal life. It’s this continuous investment into your happiness account by acknowledging your feel-good moments that motivates you to do more, rather than focus on the outcome.

Disconnection from how you feel whilst taking action boosts mental energy for you to attach to expectations. It’s here you lose access to being able to go with the flow.

7. Own Your Beliefs and Values.

Understand and recognize that your values and beliefs are yours — they don’t belong to others.

We are all different and unique — thank goodness or the world would be a boring space! With that said, it’s impossible to expect others to share your exact beliefs and values.

Why? Because they don’t wear your underpants. They don’t walk in your shoes. They don’t have your environmental experiences or genetic inheritance patterns. They aren’t you.

So remember this when in a moment of misperception or misunderstanding of a situation (this can cause conflict). Take a breath and if necessary utilise the coaching questions:

  1. Am I in control of the situation?
  2. Can I shelf my feelings until later?
  3. Can I choose to change my perception?

Asking these questions enables you to step out of expectation by consciously connecting to your emotional juju and letting go.

8. Gain a Different Perspective.

Journalling or debriefing (or even Kinesiology and Wellness Coaching) with a person of trust can support you to gain a true perception of reality. Talking or writing about scenarios supports you to defuse the negative emotion which has arisen.

As the expression commences, this enables you to step out and perceive different viewpoints of the fishbowl of life.

When we step out of the intensity we can then grant ourselves the opportunity to understand what might be a motivational factor for another party. We may be able to gain some understanding of how they might process or react to a situation.

Stepping out of expectation is a gift because you gain clarity on how you feel. As a bonus, you also can gain insight from how another party may experience a situation.

9. Accept What Is.

I had a client recently who had become so disillusioned with her partner that she declared she would stop talking to them because she felt disrespected. Four months later a conversation had still not eventuated and she was left heartbroken, angry, sad, and confused. I know, four months is an incredibly long time to share space but not words!

Imagine how your body feels when you stuff those unexpressed emotions into it? Pain. Discomfort. Now imagine how much energy you utilise to not express out all the emotional juice! It’s exhausting!

The unwanted negative thoughts of shoulda, woulda, coulda all start to form a merry-go-round inside your head and your ability to perceive reality becomes tainted with reality. Sometimes you need to take a breath, step back one pace and own this place you’re in.

Acceptance of situations is the first step towards climbing out of the hole. When you can acknowledge a situation, thought, or feeling on a conscious level, you can then engage your logic brain to find a better solution and change.

Sometimes acceptance of a situation, no matter how sloppy the sh*t sandwich tennis match has become, is the first step to telling yourself “why am I choosing to maintain this?” Acceptance also creates a positive space for you to entertain gratitude.

As Shakespeare says, “Expectation is the root of all heartache.” It sets us up for disappointment, heartache, and a perception of failure because we don’t achieve our desired outcomes. Is it time to take a breath, step out of a current negative situation, and assess your thoughts, feelings?

Is it time to communicate your needs openly, and include a reference to your feelings?

Is it time to consider how the other party might be feeling so you can understand and adapt your feelings and responses?

Is it time to stop punishing yourself with shoulda, woulda, coulda thought patterns, and adapt I am willing to learn to change?

10. Manage Disappointment.

It’s a rare thing to immediately achieve a goal. And if you did, well done. Perhaps you need to stretch yourself a little further now.

Just like learning to walk as an infant, it’s rare that we stand from lying flat on our backs. We need to develop muscles in order to roll, sit up on our own, then crawl, walk, and eventually run. This is why breaking down the obstacles to achieving the dream are so critical.

Managing your disappointment when you don’t achieve what you really want is also vital. You need to remain open enough that you can reflect on any lessons learned along the way as you perfect the practice. Additionally, congratulate yourself on maintaining effort and continuing at all.

The trick with disappointment, like trying to quit smoking is to celebrate what you did achieve and start again. Implement strategies to avoid the obstacles you observed got in the way. Seek support if you can’t see the strategy and have someone guide you over the hurdle.

References:

Bradberry, Travis. (2016, January) “8 Unrealistic Expectations That Hold You Back”.
Hassler, Christine (2015, February) “Tips To Avoid An Expectation Hangover” Success.

Karen Humphries, Change Chick, Change Facilitator, Kinesiology, Wellness Coach, Australian Bush Flower Essences, LEAP Facilitator, Trauma, Public Speaker, Cancer Ambassador, Blooming From Within, Traralgon, Victoria, Gippsland

About Karen

Change Facilitator

Karen Humphries is a Kinesiology Practitioner, Health & Business Coach, self-confessed laughaholic, and now Breast Cancer Advocate residing in Gippsland Victoria Australia. She loves being of service to the world with her humorous and positive approach to life, encouraging people to ‘choose to change and bloom from within.’ 

What Does It Mean To Have Strength?

What Does It Mean To Have Strength?

Embracing ‘character traits’ to move you purposely forward in life.

I was told the other day that I was an inspiration to someone and how I shared the steps I was encountering within my current breast cancer chapter. At the time it was quite hard to accept, let alone swallow. I’ve worked through that now. I was somewhat embarrassed and yet at the same time very humbled. Now I realise that I am sharing my strength by showing others how to continue with life, no matter what adversity pops onto my path.

I am after all more than just a cancer experience. I am still the same cheeky gal I was before. I just have an enormous collection of titty jokes now and perky motorboat worthy boobies!

 

I decided early on to share snippets of my story. It’s therapeutic to get stuff off my chest (ahem pun intended). Additionally, it’s educational to share bits and pieces. Because let’s face it, you truly have no idea of how intense and confronting cancer is until you experience it yourself.

This cancer chapter has gifted me the awareness that I continue to live a life whereby I make decisions for me, and not invest in the opinion of others. Someone else’s opinion of me is their business. I just get on with life and what challenges are thrown at me.

Prior to my diagnosis, I was relatively intimate with my social media audience. I shared parts of my life and this made me relatable to my audience. I was goofy, funny, serious, and I rarely showed my belly — the vulnerability that we all experience. We all have stuff.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, it felt normal to share various experiences with my existing business audience. After all, I’d been inviting them to be positive and find the way out of their darkness, what better opportunity than having cancer could I be provided to demonstrate how I remained positive throughout this shit festival?

I never realised the depth or importance of sharing a cancer journey. I’m still stunned that in society today, whilst we have clothing which declares loud and proud “I’m a wellness warrior”, people don’t want to see it or talk openly about it. 

I have now witnessed firsthand there an expectation by some that you should leave the nasty cancer conversation in the closet. And worse, there’s a societal expectation that we don’t show anyone your belly, your vulnerability. 

There is an expectation that you be brave, that you fight. I stunned everyone when I said “stop, there will be no fighting”. I have chosen instead to embrace the experience, for it is part of me.

You don’t go out when you feel sick. You don’t show people you feel like crap. You certainly don’t show your bald head out in public because it is the ultimate reflective reminder to those who pay witness to you that they fear being diagnosed themselves. 

What you don’t see is the strength beyond the shining scalp, is the energy it took to put on clothes, the effort to navigate getting in and out of the in the car, because there is still post-surgical pain. And you whiz past the shuffling bald eagle in the aisles supermarket. 

You have no idea how challenging it can be just to do the basic life stuff. And yet the bald eagles continue one step in front of the other. They are living the experience, there is no fight, only a willingness to embrace that moment right then and there. Because everything else can wait.

The future, whilst it matters, isn’t right now. It’s still coming. It’s right now that has to be embraced, not rushed through, or ticked off a list. Stop wasting the opportunities that are being gifted to you.

I want to call bullshit on the whole stigma. Wellness, sick, healthy, unfit. God forbid I dare say this, black or white, we are all still human. Yet, we are scared to observe all aspects of human conditioning. Society dictates a certain depth of fear of being unwell or not perfect, or having the right coloured skin.

Within my cancer chapter, I’ve learnt many things about myself. 

Firstly I have reinforced that we all have stuff. You get to choose to work through it or fester.

It takes character to take a stand and decide you want to live rather than exist. Whilst you can fight, I’ve chosen to actively embrace my chapter and all aspects of life. My journey is so much more than the cancer chapter, and I treat it accordingly. 

 

Cancer is a motivator for sure but it doesn’t define who I am.

 

It takes character to:

  • stand beside your friend as her hair falls out;
  • to cry with your friend as the surgeon draws all over her body in preparation for surgery;
  • to look at your friend’s scars and tell her “I love you anyway” or “nice tits”;
  • to not look at your friend with pity in your eyes, continuing to able to see the same person as before diagnosis; 
  • be the girl experiencing all this and continuing life regardless of the diagnosis.

 

Reference to one’s character refers to our personality, ideals, and associated behaviours. As we explore a person’s traits, we can acknowledge that their “strength of character” can be associated with the confidence to be confronted. I liken this to growing some balls in order to face your stuff!

Strength of character also includes the self-assuredness to know what you need (which makes reference back to what is important to you), and the ability to use or seek tools to identify and implement a resolution.

Social science’s groundbreaking research in the early 2000s, identified a common language of 24 character strengths to create our personality. According to VIACharacter’s article, “everyone possesses all 24 character strengths in different degrees, so each person has a truly unique character strengths profile.”

VIA Character documents these character strengths to include:

1. Appreciation of beauty and excellence — to recognise and appreciate skills and excellence around you.

2. Bravery — act on convictions despite doubts and fears.

3. Creativity — coming up with ideas that result in worthwhile outcomes.

4. Curiosity — seek out situations to gain new experiences without getting in my own, or other’s way.

5. Fairness — treat everyone equally and fairly applying the same rules

6. Forgiveness — forgiving others when they upset me and using that knowledge to respond appropriately in future dealings.

7. Gratitude — I am grateful for many things and express this openly and warmly to others.

8. Honesty — I am honest with self and take responsibility for my actions.

9. Hope — I am realistic and optimistic for the future believing things will turn out well.

10. Humility — I see my strengths and talents but don’t need them externally acknowledged.

11. Humour — I approach life playfully and use humour in difficult or stressful times.

12. Judgement — I weigh all aspects objectively in decision making

13. Kindness — I am helpful and empathic, doing favours for others without expectation of return.

14. Leadership — I take charge and guide groups to meaningful goals and outcomes.

15. Love — I experience and maintain close relationships with giving and receiving with love, warmth and care.

16. Love of learning — motivated to acquire new skills.

17. Perseverance — persist towards goals regardless of challenges.

18. Perspective — use experience and knowledge to clarify the big picture.

19. Prudence — act carefully to avoid risks with the future in mind.

20. Self-regulation — manage feelings and actions.

21. Social intelligence — being aware of thoughts and feelings.

22. Spirituality — connection to purpose or meaning of life.

23. Teamwork — contributing to a team achieving its goals.

24. Zest — feeling vital and full of energy.

 


 

In my experience over the last six months, strength incorporates a lot of choices and nearly all of the characteristics of strength. I could have chosen to wallow and feel sorry for myself with my diagnosis. Absolutely for sure. Instead, I chose to embrace the experience and learn as much as possible about myself and life.

Whilst undergoing testing I had to draw upon my ‘spiritual’ wits to control myself while entrapped within machinery for over an hour. Later I worked through an array of ‘perspective’ layers in order to ‘forgive’ the technicians for the physical and emotional damage. I wrote a lot of letters during this phase.

 


 

Upon diagnosis and identification of treatment options, I chose to activate the ‘love of learning’, and asked a tonne of questions of the entire western medicine team. I compared notes with my alternative and complementary medicine colleagues. I read an extraordinary amount of scientific journals and reactivated my inner bucket chemist.

When it came to the first step, surgery, I needed to ‘self regulate’ in order to make an informed decision which had been also lovingly guided by spirit. I understood what I was committing to, the recovery phase and what that would entail. I journaled an extraordinary amount of stuff.

I took it another step and through my questioning, I understood that I had chosen an amazing team of professionals who were dedicated to their craft just as I was. I incorporated ‘prudence’ when I was diagnosed, silently asking Spirit through meditation, to guide me to the exact people who could not only help me but also be of service.

I still pinch myself that each of my team has exceptional bedside manners, and hold many of the qualities of strength of character. There are never too many questions for a control freak like myself. There is hand holding and life-affirming smiles when I am ‘brave’ enough to seek the reassurance. I am constantly reassured.

I needed to draw upon my strength to be able to trust these strangers and work as a member of the ‘team’ to reinstate my health. I needed strength to believe that Spirit had heard me and delivered what I needed at exactly the right time.

 


 

Bravery and courage can be defined as being able to act on your convictions (ie draw upon your beliefs, and I face threats, challenges, difficulties, and pains, despite my doubts and fears.

 


 

Working with my psychologist has had me fetal on the floor a couple of times and I was given a lot of homework. It takes ‘perseverance’ to continually show up to work on your stuff.

There were days and weeks that were so dark. I wondered what the future would hold in terms of health and employment.

 


 

I’ve extensively used ‘humor’ to get my friends, family and myself through this chapter. We have enough “itty bitty tittie” jokes now that I could do a national tour! What I learnt about this strength that it’s a choice to see and feel the lighter side.

 

I choose to change and bloom from within, cancer or not. Still here. Still laughing and still learning how to shine brightly.

Karen Humphries, Change Chick, Change Facilitator, Kinesiology, Wellness Coach, Australian Bush Flower Essences, LEAP Facilitator, Trauma, Public Speaker, Cancer Ambassador, Blooming From Within, Traralgon, Victoria, Gippsland

About Karen

Change Facilitator

Karen Humphries is a Kinesiology Practitioner, Health & Business Coach, self-confessed laughaholic, and now Breast Cancer Advocate residing in Gippsland Victoria Australia. She loves being of service to the world with her humorous and positive approach to life, encouraging people to ‘choose to change and bloom from within.’