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Christmas Is A Marathon

Christmas Is A Marathon

by | Dec 4, 2023 | Self Development

10 Tips To Remain Calm & Embrace The Season 

Christmas celebrations in western culture have become a seasonal marathon, rather than a single eventful day. It’s time to do your warm up, and stretches.

Not everyone has fond memories of the season and it’s a massive trigger for anxiety, overwhelm and panic. I’m witnessing stress seeping through the cracks of people everywhere. 

If you’re nodding your head, that your own internal furnace has started to warm, then you’re not alone. I often remind my audience that modern Christmas has become a season of events. You need to warm up and figure out ways to pace yourself.

There are ‘breakup’ parties for everything from work, to kids sport, the school year and family gatherings. Why are you breaking your neck to try and fit in gatherings with people whom you don’t spend quality time with throughout the year? Why is so much emphasis placed on the tradition of the season, when no other ritual is honoured? 

When you research the actual intended meaning of Christmas, it was intended to be a celebration of life. This infers a single gift experience, rather than filling the boot of your car or maxing out the credit card.

If you’re already in overwhelm from hearing ‘Jingle Bells’ playing in the shopping plaza, then here are my simple tips to help you embrace the Christmas season and stay calm!

1. Remember to breath! 

Get your nervous system into a calm and relaxed state before you leave the house. Be sure to invest ten minutes whilst getting ready, and practice your self caring soothing ritual such as meditative breathing that incorporates grounding and centering yourself.

2. Start everything a little earlier! 

Don’t wait until the last minute to do your holiday shopping, decorating, cleaning, food preparation or cooking. Be sure to carve out time in the diary to happily complete each task in order to avoid that pressure sensation from running.

3. Set realistic expectations 

Gift yourself permission that nothing needs to be perfect, it simply needs to be enjoyable. Remind yourself of the true meaning of the season is to spend time with loved ones, not having a picture-perfect home or meal. 

Sometimes the biggest food flops create the most hilarious memories and photos — just ask my brother who set fire to the meat one year and we ate Christmas lunch five hours late!

4. Make quality not quantity the priority in your schedule. 

Given this time of year feels like a marathon, it’s important to create a pace that doesn’t involve you running around like a panicked elf on Christmas Eve.

According to the American Heart Association, research inexplicably highlights that heart attacks are more common during holidays. There are a myriad of possible reasons including unhealthy changes in diets, higher alcohol consumption, stress from family interactions, strained finances, travel and entertaining can all contribute to health impacts.

I have come to learn the importance of the festive season can be spread out over the entire summer holidays. This means that I never rush from one event to another. 

I experience a quality connection with people that I value. There is mutual respect for the meal prepared and shared. There is an calm energy exchange of love. Why would you settle for anything less than this?

5. It’s ok to say “no”

Given that the season is a marathon, it’s vital to continue to make time for rest and regeneration. And depending on the type of job you do like teaching, retail, rest is life saving!

Don’t feel pressured to attend every party or event. Negotiate when you are available, and create space to welcome the connection, not dread having to show up and perform for multiple events on the same day.

You’re an adult. Regardless of who is attempting to guilt you into showing up, your health and wellbeing will always be more important. Think of this as your permission to simply say “no thanks”.

6. Do not embrace guilt

I think we all have a family member or friend who tries to manipulate at this time of the year, in order to get what they want. I invite you to try something different this year. 

When you respond “no thanks” to an invitation, take a deep breath and smile. This will subconsciously generate endorphins that make you feel good. Don’t say anything! Not a single word! Simply pause your end of the conversation, breath slowly, and observe. Watch or listen for any reaction and know that this is not yours to deal with.

If your response is not accepted, that’s perfectly ok. You don’t have to agree on everything. But if you’re not free (or willing), then the fact is you’re not available. End of story.

You can be cheeky like me, and ask for the person’s magic time machine, so that you can teleport and be in two places at once. Be warned this can piss people off.

The ideal alternative response, is to advise when you are free, after Christmas has passed and the world has calmed it’s farm. If the caller doesn’t like, that’s not your bag of monkeys to manage. Continue to breath and celebrate your decision to maintain your wellbeing.

7. Learn to negotiate terms

Managing relationships requires decent communication skills. The ever evolving dynamics of family gatherings during the festive season, can escalate to UN hostage negotiation skills. It’s often delicate work.

Negotiation skills are fabulous when dealing with those who believe they are ‘golden’, those who hold grudges or unhealed emotional wounds, and those who struggle to communicate their needs. Negotiation is also a skill that is especially helpful when trying to embrace different ways of celebrating the season with the in-laws.

8. Learn to take turns

I wonder how much easier it might be to plan your family gathering if you had a roster of where and when you gather? If you took Christmas day off the table, and gather the extended family together on a different day, could you all then make the effort? Might that make life easier?

Since the death of my mother, trying to get everyone together at Christmas time has been a dismal failure. We’ve settled for an annual long weekend in September school holidays.

Weird? Yes, but this one weekend at another time of the year means we eat normally, rather than spend a fortune on gifts and food. Our presence is the gift. We walk, talk, play board games and graze over beautiful food.

This new tradition has become something to look forward to each year without stress or fuss.

9. Stick to a budget

It’s obvious that overspending leads to stress and anxiety, especially in this economy. But when it comes to the festive season, all fiscal rules seem to fly out the window.

So set yourself a budget, and utilise the challenge of what bargains you can obtain by sticking to the limit. There is an alternative, and that is the gift of experience like a family zoo pass.

For those who maintain the argument, “I just want my kids to have what I didn’t”, I want to ask you this — what was really wrong with your upbringing that you felt you missed out? And more importantly, is buying your kids stuff really a replacement for your love and affection?

10. Simplify everything

One of the best things I’ve come to realise is that you have to do everything yourself. Delegate tasks or simplify your holiday traditions to make things easier. 

For example, let the kids decorate the tree, make home made Christmas cards, bake cookies or create the deserts. Ask guests to bring contributions to your gathering meal like a desert, nibbles or drinks.

Conclusion

By following these tips, you can manifest calm into your Christmas season whilst managing moments of overwhelm or stress. Remember it’s a season, and just like running a marathon, it’s important to remain in the moment and savor the special moments with loved ones. 

First published with Illumination, a Medium Publication. Click here this piece.

Want to read more like this?

This is My Roar – signed copies of my first published book can be purchased from this website.

Self Reflection – A little Look Within – click here

8 Hot Tips How To Journal – click here

Can You Risk Not Stepping Up To Mother yourself? – Click here

Do you need a ‘taste of calm’?

Join Kaz for a free immersion experience A Virtual (Taste of) Calm Me Mini Retreat to

  • Prioritise Your Well-being,
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Join Kaz and Set Aside a Little “Me Time”! Best of all it’s free!

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About Karen

Change Facilitator

Karen Humphries is a Clinical Hypnotherapist, Kinesiology Practitioner, Health & Business Coach, LEAP & NES Practitioner, Intuitive Meditation Facilitator, and published author. She is a self-confessed laughaholic.  She loves being of service to the world with her humorous and positive approach to life, encouraging people to ‘choose to change and bloom from within.’ 

Karen Humphries, Change Chick, Change Facilitator, Kinesiology, Wellness Coach, Australian Bush Flower Essences, LEAP Facilitator, Trauma, Public Speaker, Cancer Ambassador, Blooming From Within, Traralgon, Victoria, Gippsland

4 Ways To Lift the Curse of The Good Girl

4 Ways To Lift the Curse of The Good Girl

by | Dec 12, 2022 | Self Development

You can be good to yourself first

 

As children, we are often exposed to a parenting style that has been passed down through generations. It’s fundamentally a societal shame.

The behaviour pattern creates a structure around a false belief that the parent is in charge, is the boss, is the only one to have an opinion, needs or emotions that need to be met.

In a recent Instagram post, Dr Nicole LePera (@the.holistic.psychologist), the “good girl” conditioning we receive in childhood creates an expectation that we should be agreeable, pleasant, polite and nice.

Dr LePera continued that this taught behaviour incorporates a training that the child does not express their feelings, especially anger. The child is encouraged to surrender all boundaries – just think of having to have your photo with Santa or hugging pervy old uncle Arthur at the family gathering.

The good child is also advised to hide their needs.

When a person parents with this behavioural style, the expected result is a good child. The actual outcome is a traumatised child who constantly seeks conditional love, in an attempt to heal a massive emotional wound.

From the child’s perspective, this consistent treatment creates a wound which contains low self worth, low self esteem and a sabotaging behavioural pattern of never feeling good enough.

The rigid parent instructs (who is a good child themself), teaches and actively guides their child to behave in a certain way – especially when out in public.

We are told that our behaviour is an extension of our parents capability of controlling us, which in turn apparently validates their role as a good parent.

What actually happens is the child becomes a super pleaser. They don’t know how to face their emotions because they are always too busy helping everyone else.

We are told as children, that if we aren’t good we don’t make the nice list – and it’s inferred that we are bad. The threat of santa not visiting is enormous to a child and the ultimate punishment.

A good girl grows up with the understanding that a good person doesn’t speak up, share their opinion or behave in a certain way

A good girl grows up with the understanding that a good person doesn’t speak up, share their opinion or behave in a certain way … because you know, the neighbours might think something bad of you.

Dr LePera suggests that this type of good girl is referenced as ‘mature for their age’.

However the sacrificing of your needs for others, sets up life long patterns of sacrifice, whereby you feel guilty as the adult for doing anything for yourself.

Girls who are encouraged to drop boundaries of their emotions and personal space automatically develop the freeze response.

This leaves the adult completely incapacitated to respond when triggered. The result is activated anxiety, an inability to express self clearly, and automated emotional dysregulation. And it stems back to when you were forced to ignore your feelings about that drunk uncle as a kid, and embrace that person because it would look like you’re being rude.

The result of being a good girl is that you crave being liked, because this is the behaviour that has been reinforced as a child – do what it takes to fit in and be accepted.

The child is warned “don’t rock the boat”, and the message is well received – act out at your own peril.

That warning is the actual curse for the child – a silent  threat of consequences.

 

This subconscious need for approval, fitting in and being liked becomes a hypervigilance of approval seeking.

Dr Lepera describes that when we aren’t frozen, we disassociate – we enter fawn phase. That translates to don’t create conflict, don’t rock the boat, appease at all cost.

Lepera states that the good girl doesn’t learn vital interpersonal skills like expression of needs, creation and enforcement of boundaries, or conflict resolution.

This need to suppress all the emotions creates a cauldron of unresolved, unexpressed emotions that simmer away, just ready to explode out like a volcano erupting.

Here’s the thing, denying the expression of the feelings, especially publicly with a side dish of shame creates two things.

Firstly, it generates fear. Fear to let go, fear of being judged, and fear of the unknown. All of this crap creates the disillusion that we aren’t authentic if we tap into our feelings bucket.

Secondly, if you decide to siphon off the feelings bucket, it has to be done in a controlled way or you are no longer good or there is something wrong with you.

Lepera’s advice is golden – “it’s not our role to get approval from those around us.“

I am reminded of Regina Brett’s quote – “What other people think of you is none of your business.” Another person’s response to you is their stuff.

If you’ve been raised by a good girl, then you haven’t been taught to connect with your own emotional response. Y ou’ve been taught to shove those feelings down into a deep dark abyss.

Modern psychology now understands that raising children as a good girl isn’t mirroring the resilience skills required to function adequately into adulthood – feeling secure within oneself.

Our role in life is to

  • understand and connect to our emotions
  • learn how to clearly express what we need and want
  • install boundaries or limits to ensure our safety.

Lepera offers up some gems of wisdom of how to heal this good girl wound through unlearning the patterns.

1. Recognise your emotional limits

The young good girl may have learnt that when you’re emotional your parent(s) react negatively. This may have lead to harsh punishment, rejection or the silent treatment.

This develops the hypervigilance pattern and fear of saying the wrong thing, getting it wrong and fear of failure.

It’s ok to to speak your truth. If this upsets another, their reaction is their stuff, not yours. You don’t have to pick it up and become responsible.

Know that if someone is upset, they can adult and express their feelings. If the other party doesn’t communicate – that’s ok too. It means you no longer have to search for clues.

2. Know your needs

Lepera states that the young good girl learns through repeated experience that their needs don’t matter. Learning to say / not say something or behave in a certain way to be polite, or not appear rude will over ride the discomfort of hugging the drunk uncle.

The key here is to connect into those bodily feelings and initial thoughts. Even a ten second breath or not responding out aloud, but acknowledging what you’re thinking and feeling starts the process.

Practicising the pause and reverse the swirling stress are two techniques which enable you to connect into what you’re needing.

3. Install and maintain boundaries

I cringed reading Lepera’s statement that most good girls have their boundaries violated. They key is learning to say no without the guilt, apology or guilt.

Here’s some examples:

  • “I’m not available at that time”
  • “I’m not comfortable with that”
  • “I’m not seeking feedback right now”
  • “no thanks”

4. Accept you aren’t for everyone

Not everyone will agree, understand or get your vibe. This doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong – like it was when your parent didn’t approve of you doing something as a child.

People moving in their own path is simply an indication that you’re individual and doing your own thing.

Conclusion

Being raised a good girl can feel like a curse. But it’s just a behavioural habit. Habits can be changed.

The only person you really need to be good to and for – is you.

Want to read more like this?

This is My Roar – signed copies of my first published book can be purchased from this website.

Self Reflection – A little Look Within – click here

8 Hot Tips How To Journal – click here

Can You Risk Not Stepping Up To Mother yourself? – Click here

About Karen

Change Facilitator

Karen Humphries is a Kinesiology Practitioner, Health & Business Coach, LEAP & NES Practitioner, Intuitive Meditation Facilitator, and published author. She is a self-confessed laughaholic.  She loves being of service to the world with her humorous and positive approach to life, encouraging people to ‘choose to change and bloom from within.’ 

Karen Humphries, Change Chick, Change Facilitator, Kinesiology, Wellness Coach, Australian Bush Flower Essences, LEAP Facilitator, Trauma, Public Speaker, Cancer Ambassador, Blooming From Within, Traralgon, Victoria, Gippsland