5 Tips To Detach & Step Back To You
I’m having many therapeutic conversations within my professional clinic right now. As a clinical practitioner, I support clients who call themselves ‘fixers’. These people genuinely feel they are called to fix others. My role as a therapeutic facilitator is to help clients create a safe space for them to reflect on their situation and become curious — especially to determine whether being of service to others is costing them.
I create a therapeutic space that invites clients to reflect on their thoughts, feelings, behaviours and actions. Here’s some example questions that I ask-
- Do you find you are THAT person that everyone unloads their stories to?
- Do you find yourself unable to escape as people drag you into their drama dance?
- Do you feel like your ears could bleed having to listen to the same old broken record of victim stories where people feel stuck?
- When you help out someone and they take you for granted, want more or don’t say thanks, how do you make sense of that?
- How does being of service to others work for you and your energy levels?
- Does this leave you feeling overwhelmed?
- Do you feel obligated to help out or save others?
- How much of your energy do you invest in problem-solving for others instead of charging your batteries?
- Does servicing others before you meet your own needs leave you feeling tired, flat or overwhelmed?
Here are some tips to detach from the drama dance of others and look after yourself first.
When you first recognise that servicing others first before you care for your own needs first, you can feel overwhelmed. It would be human nature if you were wondering how you would withdraw or limit your actions.
Consider these steps to support you stepping back from over-commitment and meet your needs first.
1. Set boundaries
It’s lovely you’re of service to others. But there’s a lovely saying that summarises the need to prioritise yourself “You can’t pour from an empty cup”. To instigate change you have to create a boundary for yourself. There has to be a line in the sand.
Before you instantly agree to help another, consider the following and ask yourself –
- “Do I want to do this thing?”
- “Does it suit me to do this thing?”
- “Do I have the time and energy resources to fulfil this obligation?”
2. Pause before diving into commitment
When your answers are not instantly “Yes” to the questions above, then that should be motivation to pause and reconsider your involvement in others before investing in yourself.
Those ten seconds that pass when you take a slow deep breath in, and slowly breathe out, allow your brain to switch off the survival reaction, and reactivate your solution-orientated frontal lobes. Creating pause moments allows your brain space to consider what you want before agreeing to meet the needs of others first.
3. Review your calendar
Look at your calendar and find time to meet your needs first before agreeing to help anyone else. This will ensure you have time to fill your cup first.
Additionally, taking that ten-second breath (referenced above) affords you the moment to not feel compelled to instantly say yes, and then regret the commitment later. That slow breath enables you to calm yourself and verify you’d like to help and offer what suits you.
4. Active listening
Whilst this is a therapeutic practitioner skill, active listening is where you listen to what is being said verbally and non-verbally. When practiced correctly you are displaying empathy for the other party, which enables the person to feel heard and validated.
Active Listening also affords you the capacity to observe someone’s drama dance, without joining them in that chaos cha-cha. Listening is a subtle action whereby you can observe rather than invest in another.
It’s a gift to observe someone in their pain because you can choose whether you fix them or empower them. Sometimes when a person is in pain and overwhelmed, they simply need to find the words to express their pain — they don’t need you to fix them. This can be empowering for you both as the other person finds their solution.
5. Focus on what you need
I am often drawn to the metaphor used by airlines, ‘assign your oxygen mask first’. You have the power, control and choice to fix yourself first before you invest your time and energy in being of service to others.
Additionally, the moment you feel compelled to help others, you can ask both yourself and the other person “What do I need in this moment?” This question allows you to become curiously specific at that moment and often is the first stepping stone to creating forward momentum on a healing journey.
6. Embrace the discomfort of change
Whilst change is inevitable, it is the one constant source in our lives. Many avoid the space of change because it is uncomfortable. However, the discomfort is where we are learning the lessons and gaining the evidence to motivate us to move forward.
The discomfort of change is the space where healing takes place
Conclusion
If you are tired of servicing others before caring for yourself, perhaps it’s time to explore how these tips can support you to detach from the drama dance from others.

Listen to the audio version via the “I Am Change-ing” Podcast – click here

First published with Illumination, a Medium Publication. Click here this piece.

Want to read more like this?
This is My Roar – signed copies of my first published book can be purchased from this website.
Self Reflection – A little Look Within – click here
8 Hot Tips How To Journal – click here
Can You Risk Not Stepping Up To Mother yourself? – Click here
About Karen
Change Facilitator
Karen Humphries is a Kinesiology Practitioner, Health & Business Coach, LEAP & NES Practitioner, Intuitive Meditation Facilitator, and published author. She is a self-confessed laughaholic. She loves being of service to the world with her humorous and positive approach to life, encouraging people to ‘choose to change and bloom from within.’