Call A Time-Out, Not A War
There’s a certain reality that we all face. When you spend time with the same people, within shared spaces, there will be times of big feelings. However, when people can’t neurologically co-regulate in a functional manner, this can lead to everyone feeling like a hot mess.
Every family experiences moments when emotions run high, and we lose our cool, and our perception of safety decreases. This is often triggered when:
- Voices get louder
- Patience gets shorter
- Someone storms off
- Someone cries
- Someone says something they later wish they hadn’t.
The problem isn’t that families experience conflict. The critical issue I see clinically is that most families don’t have a plan for what to do when your emotions take over.
That’s where a family code word can become one of the most powerful tools in your household.
What Is A Family Code Word?
Deploying a code word, a pre-agreed word or phrase that means “We need a pause”, sounds super simple. In theory you would be right. But if you are triggered, in survival, feeling heightened, it might be the only word you can utter.
A code-word isn’t deployed because someone is wrong, or is in trouble.
The code-word is simple because when emotions have rise, the reality is everyone would benefit from a moment to reset. To breath. To regulate themselves.
Why Code-Words Work?
Deploying a code-word whilst in a heightened moment provides you with four things. Firstly, you are interrupting your survival program. Secondly, the pause gives you moments to take a breath to regulate your nervous system.
Thirdly, the time out from the trigger enable you to restore emotional safety and allow your logical brain to turn back on. Finally returning to the situation and people, feeling calmer, enables you to attempt to preserve a loving connection.
How To Create Your Family Code Word
There are no real words for when choose your code-word, and I encourage something at the very least neutral and perhaps fun. Here are some examples:
- Pineapple
- Possum Pause
- Koala Mode
- Banana Bread
- Campfire
The Family Reset Process
Here’s the methodology for how to use your code-word.
- Code word is spoken
- Conversation stops (this isn’t negotiable)
- Everyone takes three slow breaths
- Take five minutes apart
- Return when regulated
- Reconnect with the family
If you are struggling to find your calm, and perhaps more time is required try the following time intervals-
- 10 minutes
- 30 minutes
- 24 hours
If you still can’t discuss a subject within a 24 hour period leave it for a week or explore whether mediation is required. Remember sometimes our survival program is so hypervigilant that we may need assistance returning to our calm state before having that chat again!
Conclusion
If your family had one code-word that meant “We love each other. We need a moment. Let’s reset.”
What would your family code-word be?
About Karen
Change Facilitator
Karen Humphries is a Mental Health Counsellor, Kinesiology Practitioner + Accredited Business Mentor, Wellbeing Coach, Meditation Facilitator, Hypnotherapist, and Resource Therapist. Karen is also a published author. She is a self-confessed laughaholic. She loves being of service to the world with her humorous and positive approach to life, encouraging people to ‘choose to change and bloom from within.’
