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You are not the Black Sheep

You are not the Black Sheep

Not all relationships smell like roses. In fact, some of them smell like compost! We all have stuff to deal with, but we don’t need to play shit sandwich tennis! Not all people over the age of 21 are actually capable of appropriately adulting.

Some people are stuck playing the ‘blame game’, others avoid confrontation and gossip behind your back. Some people aren’t responsible or accountable for their behaviour and will never be able to self-reflect or change.

But before you too, hop onto your soup box, and declare that someone has done something to you – remember this, you allowed it. That is sometimes a hard pill to swallow isn’t it? But it’s true.

Our thoughts because our actions. So, unless you, within yourself are authentic and own your processes and deal with your feelings, you too will allocate responsibility for someone doing something to you.

Now before you go off your head, no one chooses to have criminal offences committed against them – that’s not what I am saying. What I am talking about is your reaction to the thing which triggered you. Let’s focus on how our families and friends trigger stress in us.

Think of a time your buttons have been pushed. Think of that time where you lost sleep because of the stress. Think of how this ‘thing’ or ‘event’ consumed your waking thoughts.

Everyone on the planet has had an experience just like it. Right?

What lesson did you learn from the trigger experience? Or are you still hanging onto your pain? And if you’re still hanging onto your old stuff – what’s it costing you? Your happiness? Your available physical energy? Your positive mindset and outlook on life? How do you move forward if you’re still hanging onto the old paradigm? The herd mentality if you will?

How have you modified or adjusted your thoughts and actions? Do you observe and respond, in order to move forward in your life? How do you own your journey? What small actions are you prepared to implement in order to change your reaction?

Instead of investing in the drama of others, just stick with your stuff. People might treat you like you’re the black sheep, but you don’t have to stick with the flock and their negativity. You get to choose whether you perpetuate the ‘family pattern’, or whether you’re going to be the generation who instigates change.

Own your observations and reactions. When you react to external influences, you detach from your logic and run a defensive mental pattern which consumes a lot of your time and physical energy.

Recognise the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence. Stop comparing yourself to others. Whilst it is easier to compare yourself to others, you can never truly understand what another person is thinking or feeling. Why? Because you haven’t lived their exact experiences and you don’t have their exact behavioural patterns, so you can’t truly understand their response. The other thing to consider is that some people are so fear bound, that they aren’t capable of change.

We don’t have to like the people in our lives that choose to remain toxic, unfriendly, hurtful, spiteful, and stuck. But we can choose to love the connection. Why? Because on some level we understand the depth of the lessons gifted to generations of families.

We can choose to explore how certain traits shared with family members may affect us. We can gain understanding and use this knowledge to overcome challenges and gain maturity along our journey path.

Remember that as you gain an understanding of your pain, you gain awareness of how to overcome the lessons that life throws at you. It also provides you with an understanding of where those toxic trigger people in your life, may be stuck in their pain or worse stuck in fear.

You get to choose to not invest in other people’s stuff and their journey. Just focus on you!

So what if they call you a black sheep of the family? They have more fun! Simply love the lesson, not the bad behaviour.

You can choose to change and bloom from within xxx

I Love Me – the best new kinda diet there is on the market today

I Love Me – the best new kinda diet there is on the market today

Given we’re having an energetic surge and upgrade this year as we enter a new nine year cycle, what better time to start ramping up the self love and self care regimes?

Is it time to start addressing that negative self talk occurring inside your head? For me, I found when I first started addressing this, I was struck with profound guilt and blame for treating myself so negatively.

Where did that get met? More negative thoughts about self! I could almost hear Dr Phil stating that dreaded question “how’s that working for you?

Now you can react to that statement and hang your head in shame. OR, you can use this question to motivate you to make changes in your life.

Change isn’t immediate, but gradual awareness of your stuff baby steps you into a space of humble acceptance of where you’re at.

Understanding the rules of Law Of Attraction, all abundance is generated with the commencement of thoughts. What you think, you create. That’s a mighty powerful pill to swallow, especially if the thoughts are negative.

One of the key steps to commencing a change process is acknowledging on a conscious level what is going on in your life. The more aware you are, the more clarity you gain of what you want to keep in your life, versus what you want to change. As you become more aware, you are gifting yourself the opportunity to reach that ‘choice point’ – what stays and what goes.

The first step to changing this pattern is to acknowledge what is happening. It’s journalling time with your favourite cup/glass of something, some nice music and if you’re game get into the bath!

Why? Because I want you relaxed! To be honest with yourself you have to get comfortable!

Choose to allow yourself to become aware of what the myriad of thoughts are AND what triggers them.

You may like to explore these scenarios and triggers by writing yourself a love letter. Or try a ‘fuck you’ letter to someone who has recently pushed your buttons. Never send this correspondence. This is your purging gift to release those negative stored feelings.

Allowing this awareness to arise GIFTS you the opportunity to see and feel how those words make you feel and how they may be manifesting into your life. Now take note here. If you’re exhausted from just purging, then allow yourself to rest. This might take you several attempts. There may be tears or anger. Awesome. Go and punch your pillow (not a person) on your bed. Let that negative juju go!

Once you’ve purged a scenario, ask yourself this “is there another time in my life that I have experienced these feelings or trigger scenarios?” This question is designed to help you explore whether this is an isolated incident, or whether in fact, there is a pattern of unresolved emotion.

This is powerful stuff, and it takes time. But the process starts with you reaching a choice point of wanting to change direction, change an old pattern, change a job, change a partner, or, just change the size of the clothes you wear.

Often all of this stuff starts with the crap in our heads.  Is it time for you to declutter and love yourself?

Remember you can choose to change and bloom from within, practicising the perfection of you xxx

#changechick

What now?

What now?

So, the Winter Solstice has been and gone. That shortest day of the year seems to bring people undone in a myriad of ways. Low energy. Overwhelmed. Frustrated. Invested in the drama of others. Fed up. Unmotivated. Does this sound like you?

It’s ok you know, it’s been a ripper shift this year due to the numerological significance of this year beginning a new nine-year cycle. For some it can feel like all of our old stuff has come to the surface and BAM suddenly we’re faced with a truckload of stuff.

You know what? I think that’s great. I am a fan of digging deep and shifting our stuff, as opposed to wallowing in the negativity of my old patterns and habits. I would always prefer to get in, acknowledge, shift, and release and step out of the gunk – as quickly as possible to learn the lesson.

As a practitioner, I am not into fluffing around on the surface. I support you to dig deep into the old pattern, so you gain awareness and opportunities to change. Sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to shift or experience opportunities of awareness because it hurts. It can be painful and difficult. It can feel heavy and draining. Generally speaking, no one actively chooses the hard way – or do they?

Sometimes our best opportunity for growth is when we are under the pump, stuck at a T-intersection and forced to make a choice. Sometimes our journey path events stop us in our tracks. We have to give way to something. Sometimes we have to make a choice to change.

Sometimes the bottom of that perceived deep dark hole, the uncomfortable space you’re in, is the perfect space for active change.

That horrible space of stuck, and what feels like no choice or possible actions. It’s sometimes the only place where your choice is to look up, and see the light from that deep dark place, and question yourself with the following question –

Do I stay the same? Or do I put my big girl pants on, suck it up, and gulp, give “change” a go?”

I have a profound understanding of that dark place. I get the turmoil that one feels when in this place. I understand the conflict caused by the logic mind wanting to change, but the feelings centre being unmotivated to change.  I completely get the turmoil of the mind wanting to change and feel well, and the feelings smothered by overwhelming thoughts most of which are often commonly negative and self sabotaging.

My journey has included ten years of active Crohns disease with ulcerative colitis, paired with endometriosis. My internal world was a mess and if I am going to be honest with you, a reflection of my lack of love for self and the consequential head space that it created. It was an internal reflection of an incredible amount of stress. Reflection of that time in my life is not one I am comfortable with, but it is a chapter in my book of life which I accept. I look back upon that time in my life and I’m definitely grateful for the opportunity to be in charge of my own change process.

Looking back, one of the gifts that these health challenges gave me was this – I understand and appreciate the depth of my strength and resilience and willingness to live, not just exist. I listen to my body and whilst I push against my boundaries I do not cross my limits. I now listen, a lot. I now consider my body a sacred temple and it gets cared for.

I’ll quote Harry Massey in his book, “Choice Point – Align Your Purpose”…

“change is possible, and it starts with each of us in our hearts and minds”

I honestly believe, based on my own life experiences and training, that ‘choosing to change‘, is half the battle of realigning our health and wellbeing. This belief and understanding is based on the premises, that when we resonate our lives in love our frequencies are positive. We have the opportunity to be grateful and our lives are abundant because the universe reflects back to us what we show the world our love for self.

love for self = your light shines brightly

Those who know me, understand that I will check in with my heart space, my ‘feel goods’ (that good juju) and where possible where any arising negativity arises within me I address it. Because knowledge is power. If I can gain an awareness of why something doesn’t align within me, I can accept the issue (misalignment), own that negative emotional reaction. I can utilise kinesiology, wellness coaching, journaling, meditation, or even use eft tapping to defuse the emotion and where possible identify the source. Where possible I can relate that emotion to an event or pattern.  This is the “aha moment”, when you get to own your stuff. The trick though is you must be open enough consciously to first see your own stuff!

When you first start having AHA moments it often feels like a snow shovel at the back of the head when that hits you. It’s not pleasant, but neither is standing in a fresh pile of large dog poo! Ewwwww.

The other thing to remember, is that it’s often easier to see the negative stuff in others, because you have no emotional attachment to it. It might push your buttons and triggers, but this is a subtle way of the universe giving you a signal that some of the stuff in the other person that upsets you, is in you too.

What if I told you that you can avoid the dog poo scenario? Got your attention yet? What if I told you that you don’t have to play shit sandwich tennis with toxic people? Are you sitting up in your chair? What if I told you change is possible using tools like those spoken about in Law Of Attraction?

What if I told you it starts with a choice point of deciding you want to change. It’s that simple and yet so far reachingly powerful.

“The big change we have to make is a shift from our love of power to embracing the power of love.” Harry Massey

Everyone can identify with hitting a cross roads in their life. Being a wellness and business coach has certainly taught me that and I support both clinical and corporate clients to change their mindset on this. A cross roads does not have to be a bad thing. You can use this as an opportunity to reboot. To utilise the resources within your shadow self that you haven’t yet shone light on.

A cross road is simply a choice point. A challenge is merely a speed hump you haven’t applied the solution to.  Do you continue the same life, same attitudes, same behaviours and patterns. OR do you choose a different path? You get to choose you.

Here’s my 5 top tips for starting the process and supporting yourself to choose you!

1.  Decide on one aspect of life that you would like to change

This might include identifying something in life where you are unhappy or uncomfortable.  You don’t necessarily need to know how to make the changes, you simply have to decide that change is what you want. You might choose what blocks your happiness, or even what makes you sad and depressed? Or go nuts and ask yourself  “why aren’t I grateful?”

Feel a little stuck on that? I invite you to read my blog from NYE intention setting (NYE blog and Goal Setting).

2.  Be gentle with yourself

You have spent a life time creating the habits you presently have. There is no magic wand to make your stuff disappear. Just like you built your patterns over time, so too will the unwinding process as you become more consciously aware of what it is you built. So be gentle as you explore the layers and the weaving of your stuff. It’s ok. We all have stuff to be explored.

Remember not all of our patterns are negative. The triggers may be very subtle or miniscule even, but that can be enough to bring us undone. So, before you fall fetal on the floor with self sabotage or remorse, be kind to yourself and take an opportunity to explore what is the actual lesson you are learning? The process starts with a simple acknowledgment of what is it you are feeling?

The more you acknowledge, the easier it gets.

3.  Have an open mind

You never know when the universe will gift you with an opportunity to see more of the pattern you want to change. You’ll be gifted with scenarios and people specifically designed to help you consciously connect with your feelings. Because you have chosen to change the path might be new, therefore old ways of thinking, doing and believing may go out the window and you might have to ‘go with it’.

4.  Journal out the negative crap from your head

The monkey chatter inside your head is not real. It’s just a storage of your perception (or misperception if you will) of what is happening in the outside world based on a combination of your conscious and genetic behaviour coding. The noisier the monkey chatter, the stronger the ‘mental habit’ of not resolving an emotional upset. Did you know you literally consume your physical energy to run these mental patterns?

5.  Each day is a do-over

Allow each day to be new, rather than allowing stuff from yesterday to fester in your thoughts. The gift of a new day is that you get to try your best – again. The more you practice your perfection, the more opportunities you are granting yourself to be grateful for the good juju in your life.

There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging a bad day, and then leaving it there where it belongs – in the past. Keep moving forward with your mindset.

6.  Concentrate on today, not about tomorrow

For tomorrow never ever comes, because you are missing the NOW opportunities. When we place our focus on right now time stands still. You aren’t in the past, nor are you in the future. You are in that time continuum of right now. Often when in this space, the mind is clear, the heart space is open to receiving love, you are connected to self and receiving messages.

When operating in the now, you are maximising your opportunities to be grateful. The more gratitude we connect with, the more we can increase our ability to manifest abundance in our lives.

7.  Believe you are not alone in this process. Everyone has stuff

But your stuff and patterns are unique to you. So, no one can truly understand your stuff. You have to walk your path not that of another. Remember if you feel yourself getting caught up in the drama of others, you are no longer actively working on you. You are investing your mental energy into problem solving the stuff of others.

Support others by loving them, but allow them the gift of working through their stuff on their own.

8.  Seek support when you struggle

It’s ok to ask for support.  All drivers can utilise the benefit of navigator or map reader from time to time. You service the car to ensure it runs, consider servicing your body with good nutrition, hydration, massage, meditation, talking therapies or even kinesiology and wellness coaching.

 

My wish for you, as you walk your journey path, is that you can bloom from within – just by choosing to change xxx

Eight Tips For Ditching Procrastination

Eight Tips For Ditching Procrastination

We all do it from time to time… delay or postpone action; put off doing something. But did you know that when we do this a lot, it can become habitual? And once stuck in the habit, we literally rob ourselves of physical energy to sustain the mental habit of avoiding or worse maintaining a block in our pathway. When we do this, we prevent ourselves from remaining connected with self, and at worst, we prevent ourselves from reaching that goal of living our dream life.

There’s lots of evidence that those who habitually procrastinate and avoid the hard stuff in life, statistically will have higher rates of stress, more illness, lower study grades and even a sense of lack of partnership. Procrastination is linked therefore with a variety of fears such as:

  • Fear of failure;
  • Fear of success;
  • Fear of trying;
  • Fear of not being perfect;
  • Fear of being out of control;
  • Fear of needing control, to name a few!

We literally create subliminal thoughts, then actions to avoid feeling like we fail, and therefore never DO! Sounds crazy doesn’t it? But when we are sitting quietly and our logic is working, fear isn’t turned on. When the fear trigger has been pushed, our logic jumps out the window and rides a unicorn down the street!

But why do we procrastinate? We’re living in a society that wants all the ‘feel goods’ immediately, rather than being disciplined enough to work hard for the solution or reward.

By bypassing the hard work, we avoid the process of getting in and doing the work and therefore literally change the wiring of our brain. It’s like we short circuit ourselves.

Joseph Ferrari, a professor of psychology and one of the leading experts in procrastination research, points out, “Everyone procrastinates, but not everyone is a procrastinator.”

Here’s my Eight Top Tips For Smashing Procrastination

1. Start the Day Right

If you’re chasing sunrises or the latest hot gossip first thing in the morning, you’re avoiding doing SOMETHING. Start a new habit of being productive in one small thing. Then continue this one thing, until it becomes part of your daily practice. Then add some more. The scientific research shows that once you’ve got your groove going you won’t want to stop – it’s called the Zeigarnik Effect (once you get started on something, you are more likely to want to complete it because you can’t stop thinking about it.)

2. Break the Task Down

In my clinical practice, I find myself often asking a client to break down the big life goal they have into bite size actions. Why? Because you can eat an elephant – one bite at a time. It’s far easier to achieve a small action and repeat it, rather than trying to attempt a bigger task and fail.

I’m always encouraging clients to start with getting the basic actions done easily, then building upon the new habit of including larger tasks into the mix. For example, those coming to me for weight loss journey, we commence with simply drinking water each day. Then once that is comfortable and easily achieved we look at the actual food being consumed.

If we commence with too large a task and don’t succeed we have the opportunity to create or reinforce fear of failure – which creates a negative mental habit which causes subliminal sabotage any time you have another attempt at a new diet on Monday, by the Friday you’re back into the old game of chocolate biscuits!

3. Tick Off Your Most Hated Item

Weird right? But there is science in tackling the biggest task which you have been avoiding. Identifying all of the aspects which you’ve been avoiding and then tackling the worst bit will infuse positive juju into your willpower.

When we set our intention to achieve something, we feel courageous and believe in our abilities, are motivated to achieve, are willing to change, it is said we are of spirit. However, if the emotional or mental energy isn’t available to be willing (because we’re running a procrastination habit), then our willpower becomes diminished.

Do you see now how subtle the influence to willpower can be just from a subliminal fear of failure?

4. Always Have A Deadline

Always have a time frame to work towards ticking off those first couple of small actions. This will support your motivation to keep striving for achieving that goal. Ensure that the goals are SMART.

  • Specific
  • Measurable
  • Realistic
  • Timeframes

5. Change of Scenery

When you alter the space in which you work, you’ll be surprised how distractions disappear. I can remember when I first started utilising the Pomodoro Technique,

  • working in very specific time intervals;
  • only working on one thing at a time; and
  • turning off distractions like email or answering the phone.

My productivity increased by 250%! It was incredible. I had to be disciplined, but once I got the hang on implementing this approach, I got everything on my list done quicker than ever before.

I have several clients who are working parents, and for them, studying at home is a trap. There is always housework, washing, meals or something to be done. So they take their children to childcare for finite periods of time, and take themselves to the library. This way they know they only have so many hours and must get tasks done.

I have corporate clients who take their earbuds and laptop to a local wifi café, order a cuppa and get a solid hour worth of work done, return to the office to then deal with phone calls and staff.

6. Make Yourself Accountable

Write your goals down and share it with your partner, a friend, the fridge even – so that everyone visiting you can see what you are gunning for. A good coach can set up electronic reminders for you to check in and report on progress!

7. Just Do It Already

Sometimes our fear of taking the actual action overrides all logic and prevents us from starting. So what if you don’t get it completely right the first time. You’re not a superhero. You’re human and having learning experiences along the way. Did you walk before you crawled? Once you’ve got momentum, it gets easier.

8. Reward or Punishment

I had a client who hung her dream outfit outside her cupboard door for two years. But every time she looked at it, reminded her of how much weight she had to lose, and she instantly became overwhelmed. Therefore she had no capacity to utilise her logic and be grateful for her starting point.

Sometimes we need to rethink what motivates us. Do you really need a chocolate treat when you’re trying to lose weight? Could congratulating yourself on taking a walk outside or sitting reading a book give you the same fix over a period of time? Find what motivates you, rather than self sabotages you and use this as your incentive.

References

Campbell-Avenell, Zahra (undated) “The 8 Science-Backed Secrets To Stop Procrastinating, Once And For All

Loder, Vanessa (2016, April) “10 Scientifically Proven Tips For Beating Procrastination

 

Did you Marry into a Muggle Family?  Top Tips to Deal with the In-Laws!

Did you Marry into a Muggle Family? Top Tips to Deal with the In-Laws!

If you’re like me, and a fan of Harry Potter movies, you will resonate with the saying “I will have order” (spoken in that god awful high pitched voice)!! Is this how you feel when you have to catch up with your in-laws? You go into a defensive state driven by the need to control. Do you feel like you’ve entered into a new realm, a bit like leaving London and going to Hogwarts School for Magic? Sometimes interacting with the outlaws can feel like entering a time warp.

Are there times when visiting family, that you experience stress, simply because you are so different to them? Do you react to this new family rather than observe them?? How do these family visits leave you feeling? Do you sometimes feel that this extended family you’ve married into are so different that you feel almost magical and they are muggles?

And before we continue, I don’t consider a muggle to be a derogatory term, I’m using it as a light-hearted reference to someone who doesn’t like change. These people perhaps resonate on the negative side of life. They thrive on putting others down and align themselves to societal stress – When will you find someone? When are you getting married? When are you going to have a baby? When will you have another baby? Why did you put on so much weight? blah blah blah, you see where I’m going now? Notice that none of these questions are actually about how you feel, but rather focused on gossip and on negative bullshit.

With Christmas now over, did you have to have the obligatory family visit? And was is successful or dreaded? Christmas is meant to be a ‘wonderful time of the year‘ but for some of us, we can find ourselves in uncomfortable situations and even worse, awkward conversations.

Reacting to the family we’ve married into only upsets us, and sometimes, based on our stress response, stress extends to our partners too. After all, your partner understands their family because they have genetic coding which aligns them together! That’s not to say that there is acceptance of some old behavioural patterns, but there is understanding, even if it is just unconscious.

Worrying about impending encounters and visits is also counter productive to having a positive interaction with in-laws or dreaded family members. You are simply investing in a negative mental habit of an unresolved emotional upset. You’re also sending a message of intention to the universe of a negative outcome that you are envisaging!

I think we’ve all got, what we feel, to be “special” family members who push our buttons.  I’ve had my own internal battle, and after much soul searching and clearing of my etheric and heart space are convinced that energetically the muggles get a little frightened of my witchypoo-ness and that’s ok. I use the following tricks when dealing with the muggles of my extended family!

 

 

One of the best tools I learnt in 2017 was this series of coaching questions, and I share it often with my clinic clients:

1. Am I in control of the situation? Generally, the answer is no, we’re not in control because we’re learning lessons for our journey path.

2. Can I shelf my feelings until later? This buys you a couple of moments to ask yourself, in the heat of the moment, can I shelf my feelings until I get home / can debrief with my partner later?

3. Can I choose to change my perception? Literally the second you choose to change your perception, you swing your energy back into positive. This means that you are disengaging from that sympathetic nervous system response (flight or fight), and resuming your rightful place in your space! This is often enough to buy you ten seconds to take a deep breath and choose how you’d like to respond rather than react.

The worst thing you can do is feed their need for negative attention. You can choose not to mirror negative behaviour or comments. If the comments are truly offensive, then say so. Boundaries are vital for ongoing appropriate behaviour. Stick to your guns when expressing your feelings. Use that ten seconds to focus on your feelings and breath out tension, addressing the person directly. Maintain your message and practice it if necessary.

Once you’re ready to confront the situation, stick to “I statements“. For example I feel angry when you say …”.

The feedback sandwich can come in handy at these times where you start with a positive remark. Then fill the sandwich with the negative (how you’re feeling). Then finish off with a positive.

Here’s an example. I love spending time with family at Christmas time because it makes my partner happy. I’m feeling a little hurt by x comment you just said. I would like for us to be able to get along for the sake of partner and share our life with you. Remember it’s ok if the muggle response is negative or non-responsive – they are choosing not to change. They are choosing not to evolve or get along with you. It’s literally not your stuff!

Or my favourite “no I don’t watch the news, as I choose to focus on the people that I share my home with. The news doesn’t report anything positive, and I can’t control anything the news reports on. In fact, I choose to avoid the news because of how it makes me feel. I focus on the joy and abundance in my life and are grateful. What made you happy today?”

In the past I have often found myself repeatedly saying, “well I guess we have a different way of looking at things, and that’s ok“. This is essential if a topic of conversation is becoming heated or out of control. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Remember this strategic key – that whatever anybody says about you is none of your business!

I operate my own clinical practice, often working with people who have experienced a varying degree of trauma which hasn’t been resolved.  When dealing with muggles, I keep interaction limited because I don’t want to gossip about other family members. I choose to focus on positive, so I am always armed with good things my family has achieved during the last visit.

I no longer reside on a standardised societal plane. I don’t follow the norm. I walk on the wild side and not from a naughty perspective. I choose to walk my path, and not that of another.

I am on such a different plane that I’ll never be understood by some – and I’m ok with that now. I respect the journey of others is often on a completely different paradigm to mine and I respect this. When dealing with muggles, I literally treat them politely, much like a client. I observe, I use compassion in my dialogue and don’t offer advice!

If you’re struggling with your preparation in dealing with the muggles of your life, consider booking yourself a CHANGE session today!

Click here – www.karenhumphries.net.au/bookings

Just wanting some quasi coaching support, join us in the private Facebook Group called #ChangeTribe.

Click here – https://www.facebook.com/groups/changetribe/?source_id=143133559060778

What are my Strengths? Superhero or Wimp?

What are my Strengths? Superhero or Wimp?

As we migrate on our journey path, to live the life we want, we need to IDENTIFY aspects which support us in achieving that NYE intention we set. It’s important to know and understand what our core STRENGTHs are so that we can focus on boundaries of success.

Often we jump quickly into goal setting without pausing and reverse engineering the processes of the steps involved to achieve success. You don’t need superpowers to go within and have a good look at where you’re at in life. You just need courage, a journal and a deep breath!

One of the best first steps of assessing whether a goal is achievable. It involves taking a few moments to acknowledge what you’re good at. When you have faith in yourself of the things you can do, you can then focus on building resources to improve your weaknesses.

Strength is something which all people have like talents, positive attitude, patience and confidence. Looking at strength is about opening up new opportunities and focusing on the possibilities rather than the problems. It’s useful to understand your strengths on a conscious level, so that when a challenge or obstacle arises, you instinctively know you can reach into YOUR toolbox and work through to a solution.

Additionally, recognising and understanding strengths provides you more available energy and motivation to jump onto opportunities as they arise! When we understand our strengths, we are generally able to clearly FOCUS on working through the challenge. Our motivation often remains very high because of our belief that we can climb the mountain, overcome the obstacle – because we’ve got evidence in our life that we’ve done it before.

A skill on the other hand, is something that you can do, like riding a bike, reading and writing, holding conversations. The reason strengths and skills are looked at during one of my clinical or coaching sessions, is to demonstrate you have evidence from your past that YOU can improve your quality of life, sense of competency and life satisfaction.

Your weaknesses are the things that appear difficult to learn and/or difficult to do. We all have them! Sicinski states “Your weaknesses are simply areas of your life where you have had very limited experience, given very little attention to, or been misguided in some way. They may include underdeveloped characteristics and skills, poor learned behaviours, limiting beliefs, and inadequate knowledge. Above all others, your limited beliefs are probably the biggest culprits.”

I like to think of a weakness as merely untapped opportunity for change!

There are three main reasons why you have weaknesses:

  1. You have limited experience;
  2. You have been misguided in some way;
  3. You have a set of limiting beliefs which lead to less than optimal habits of thinking.

You have limited experience in certain areas of your life due to one of two things – you have probably shown little interest in these areas, or are too young to have had the experience. When we have interest in a thing, this heightens our receptivity and natural curiosity to be willing to learn new ideas quickly. We are naturally more open to new perspectives and ways of looking at things. The direct result we increase focus and mental resources on the topic of interest more and more.

Weaknesses also manifest from the fact that you were misguided or have misperception in some way. You might, for instance, have certain traits, characteristics, behaviours and limiting habits that you learned and picked up from observing other people. Often this occurs in childhood and what we are exposed to in terms of belief systems and values of adults around us. I see this most frequently manifested in my clinical practice as ‘unconscious fear’.

These patterns of behaviour we observe as a child, in parents, grandparents, extended family, teachers and community leaders etc formulate our belief system – which can be positively or negatively emotionally charged. If your belief is negative based, your weaknesses can for example often stem from the fact that you think about things in less than optimal ways. This may link back to a lack of experience or to the fact that you were misguided or misperceived events in some way in the past. And as a result, you have a set of limiting beliefs in certain areas of your life that negatively influence your behaviours, decisions, thoughts, and actions.

Exploring your weaknesses isn’t a bad thing. This process allows you to gain the necessary support you need in areas where you require the most assistance, support or training. You can therefore turn these weaknesses into strengths by acquiring the necessary knowledge, people or resources you need to accomplish your goal.

When you clearly understand what your strengths and weaknesses, you are likely to receive the following benefits:

  • You will easily focus on the things that have the biggest or most positive impact on your life;
  • You will save time by drawing your attention and focus on things that will bring you the greatest happiness;
  • You increase access to your internal and external resources and therefore make better decisions every single day;
  • You can delegate tasks to people with more proficiency, OR undertake training to gain the additional skills;
  • You can reduce levels of stress, anxiety, apprehension, overwhelm, or frustration because your confidence in your ability has been acknowledged OR your willingness to try increases;
  • You connect positively to your values and belief system, enabling you to contribute more to others and to the world around you; and
  • Your levels of self-confidence increases because all of a sudden there is more certainty and clarity in your life.

Being aware of your strengths and skills is a great way to start looking at what tools you already have which can assist in achieving goals associated with living your dream life. In her book, “Believe in Yourself & Do What You Love”, Kate James discusses that people are far more likely to be happy, content and engaged in their life, when you do something you’re naturally good at. And remember, it’s ok to not be good at everything!

So here’s a couple of tips! You may like to get your journal out for this exercise and allow the questions to percolate the answers over a couple of days. After all, you have to allow your subconscious mind to drip feed you the information sometimes!

1. Write down everything you’re good at! It’s not rocket science, but can be a little confrontational because society tells us we’re being egomaniacs when we highlight what we’re good at. Bollicks I say! Let’s focus instead on everything you love doing and why you’re good at it!

Having compiled your list of strengths, take the time now to ask yourself three additional questions (in relation to that dream of the ideal life you have):

  1. Which of my strengths would I like to improve upon?
  2. Which strengths are most important with accomplishing my goals?
  3. What strengths will help me to become the person I seek to be?

2. Write down areas of life you’d like to improve (notice I’m converting negative into positive!) Ask yourself these questions!:

  1. In what specific situations are these weaknesses unhelpful?
  2. In what situations are these weaknesses potentially helpful?
  3. What’s the value of knowing this?

3. Reflective questions are brilliant to steer us back to goal setting in terms of what needs to change in terms of living my dream life?

Ask yourself these questions. You may like to pick one that pushes your buttons or answer them all!

  • How could I best overcome my personal limitations?
  • Who could potentially assist me in this area of my life?
  • What resources and knowledge might I need to acquire?
  • What experience might I need to gain?
  • How can I potentially use my strengths to overcome my weaknesses?
  • What potential opportunities can be found within my weaknesses?
  • How could my weaknesses become strengths in a different context?

As you work through these questions it’s important to keep in mind that even though you might have a weakness in a certain area, this doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s an actual “limitation” or that it should stop you in any way.

I’m supporting people’s change process every single day in my clinical practice, utilising Kinesiology and Wellness Coaching to defuse negative emotional charge within values and belief systems. Change is possible for anyone who chooses to be open to possibilities!

Remember that we all have weakness, some of which are an actual limitation (like my ability to sing!) so it’s important to accept this as a fact. Should I choose, I could focus on taking singing lessons and developing strengths and skills to utilise my vocal cords in a way that doesn’t sound like I’m causing a cat pain, but at the end of the day, I’d rather spend my time and energies on other aspects of life. I shall leave the singing for the shower!

4. Therefore in some scenarios you need to assess where you’re better off utilizing other people’s strengths to offset your weaknesses in order to get the outcomes you desire to have in your life.  As such, it might be worthwhile asking yourself three additional questions:

  • How have I managed my weaknesses in the past?
  • How can I minimize my weaknesses in the present?
  • How can I better manage my weaknesses in the future?

The answers to these questions should provide you with the information and ideally solutions you require to gain the most value from your choices and decisions moving forward to live your dream life.

Good luck in going within and exploring self. Remember you can choose to change and bloom from within xx

 

References: 

James, Kate. (2015) “Believe in Yourself & Do What You Love“, Affirm Press.

Sicinski, Adam. “How to critically assess your greatest strengths and weaknesses“, IQMATRIX