If you’re like me, and a fan of Harry Potter movies, you will resonate with the saying “I will have order” (spoken in that god awful high pitched voice)!! Is this how you feel when you have to catch up with your in-laws? You go into a defensive state driven by the need to control. Do you feel like you’ve entered into a new realm, a bit like leaving London and going to Hogwarts School for Magic? Sometimes interacting with the outlaws can feel like entering a time warp.
Are there times when visiting family, that you experience stress, simply because you are so different to them? Do you react to this new family rather than observe them?? How do these family visits leave you feeling? Do you sometimes feel that this extended family you’ve married into are so different that you feel almost magical and they are muggles?
And before we continue, I don’t consider a muggle to be a derogatory term, I’m using it as a light-hearted reference to someone who doesn’t like change. These people perhaps resonate on the negative side of life. They thrive on putting others down and align themselves to societal stress – When will you find someone? When are you getting married? When are you going to have a baby? When will you have another baby? Why did you put on so much weight? blah blah blah, you see where I’m going now? Notice that none of these questions are actually about how you feel, but rather focused on gossip and on negative bullshit.
With Christmas now over, did you have to have the obligatory family visit? And was is successful or dreaded? Christmas is meant to be a ‘wonderful time of the year‘ but for some of us, we can find ourselves in uncomfortable situations and even worse, awkward conversations.
Reacting to the family we’ve married into only upsets us, and sometimes, based on our stress response, stress extends to our partners too. After all, your partner understands their family because they have genetic coding which aligns them together! That’s not to say that there is acceptance of some old behavioural patterns, but there is understanding, even if it is just unconscious.
Worrying about impending encounters and visits is also counter productive to having a positive interaction with in-laws or dreaded family members. You are simply investing in a negative mental habit of an unresolved emotional upset. You’re also sending a message of intention to the universe of a negative outcome that you are envisaging!
I think we’ve all got, what we feel, to be “special” family members who push our buttons. I’ve had my own internal battle, and after much soul searching and clearing of my etheric and heart space are convinced that energetically the muggles get a little frightened of my witchypoo-ness and that’s ok. I use the following tricks when dealing with the muggles of my extended family!
One of the best tools I learnt in 2017 was this series of coaching questions, and I share it often with my clinic clients:
1. Am I in control of the situation? Generally, the answer is no, we’re not in control because we’re learning lessons for our journey path.
2. Can I shelf my feelings until later? This buys you a couple of moments to ask yourself, in the heat of the moment, can I shelf my feelings until I get home / can debrief with my partner later?
3. Can I choose to change my perception? Literally the second you choose to change your perception, you swing your energy back into positive. This means that you are disengaging from that sympathetic nervous system response (flight or fight), and resuming your rightful place in your space! This is often enough to buy you ten seconds to take a deep breath and choose how you’d like to respond rather than react.
The worst thing you can do is feed their need for negative attention. You can choose not to mirror negative behaviour or comments. If the comments are truly offensive, then say so. Boundaries are vital for ongoing appropriate behaviour. Stick to your guns when expressing your feelings. Use that ten seconds to focus on your feelings and breath out tension, addressing the person directly. Maintain your message and practice it if necessary.
Once you’re ready to confront the situation, stick to “I statements“. For example I feel angry when you say …”.
The feedback sandwich can come in handy at these times where you start with a positive remark. Then fill the sandwich with the negative (how you’re feeling). Then finish off with a positive.
Here’s an example. I love spending time with family at Christmas time because it makes my partner happy. I’m feeling a little hurt by x comment you just said. I would like for us to be able to get along for the sake of partner and share our life with you. Remember it’s ok if the muggle response is negative or non-responsive – they are choosing not to change. They are choosing not to evolve or get along with you. It’s literally not your stuff!
Or my favourite “no I don’t watch the news, as I choose to focus on the people that I share my home with. The news doesn’t report anything positive, and I can’t control anything the news reports on. In fact, I choose to avoid the news because of how it makes me feel. I focus on the joy and abundance in my life and are grateful. What made you happy today?”
In the past I have often found myself repeatedly saying, “well I guess we have a different way of looking at things, and that’s ok“. This is essential if a topic of conversation is becoming heated or out of control. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Remember this strategic key – that whatever anybody says about you is none of your business!
I operate my own clinical practice, often working with people who have experienced a varying degree of trauma which hasn’t been resolved. When dealing with muggles, I keep interaction limited because I don’t want to gossip about other family members. I choose to focus on positive, so I am always armed with good things my family has achieved during the last visit.
I no longer reside on a standardised societal plane. I don’t follow the norm. I walk on the wild side and not from a naughty perspective. I choose to walk my path, and not that of another.
I am on such a different plane that I’ll never be understood by some – and I’m ok with that now. I respect the journey of others is often on a completely different paradigm to mine and I respect this. When dealing with muggles, I literally treat them politely, much like a client. I observe, I use compassion in my dialogue and don’t offer advice!
If you’re struggling with your preparation in dealing with the muggles of your life, consider booking yourself a CHANGE session today!
Click here – www.karenhumphries.net.au/bookings
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